Posts Tagged ‘Crying’

OPINION: The Pondicherry Association is Not Helping Us

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment

By Two Pandas
Special Panda Correspondents
File photo

Last year, the Pondicherry Association held two “Save the Panda” events. This year, because of the lockout, they have held none. The Pondicherry Association is not helping us.

We’ve been sitting in a yard eating grass for quite some time now. About three or four times a week, a man comes along with a shovel and pail and cleans up our stool. Each time, we say, “Have you heard from the Pondicherry Association yet?” and each time he just shakes his head sadly and looks down at the stool. We have seen him cry a bit. And we too have cried.

We asked that a cell phone and our address book be brought. And we tried each and every Pondicherry owner (with the exception of Nick, who is a space asshole of the highest water). Each time, at best, we could reach only an embarrassed secretary. With Fick (who organized the events last year), we reached only an extremely loud halfwit. We are at a loss.

So, we will continue sitting in this fenced-in yard. It rains frequently and the stool turns to slop. That is what is happening now.

The Pondicherry Association is not helping us.

Categories: Opinions Tags: ,

Unearthed Pondicherry Poem Captures Imagination of League

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment

By Buffon Miravaux
Special Hills Reporter
file photo

The recently unearthed Pondicherry Poem, first published on Sunday in the Lankville Semi-Annual Poetry Newsletter (Small Edition), has captured the imagination of the league according to multiple sources.

“I have spent a lot of time with it,” said Oversions owner J.M. Barlow, from his spacious downtown suite. “It’s changed my outlook, my worldview in many ways. For example, I wore a T-shirt to work today.”

“It has caused us to reflect, of course,” added Terrifying Bat owner Ric Royer, who was directing the moving of furniture into his new mall house. “This Pondscherriers [sic] has perhaps been undervalued as a human being. If this poem is any indication, he seems to be a man capable of ejaculating great pulchritude.”

Royer suddenly removed his shirt and sobbed with such force that he later choked and had to be taken to the hospital. His condition is unknown.

Calls to Dr. Pondicherry have gone unanswered. “He doesn’t have a phone,” said Pondicherry’s current employer and GM Robin Brox. “He doesn’t have anything except a onesie uniform that we force him to wear. He prances around in the onesie and a beekeeping hat on the factory floor. We find that it keeps up morale. That’s basically the gist of his current job.”

Scholars have begun debating the merits of the Pondicherry poem and a reading of the work is scheduled for this evening at a nearby basement.

Categories: 2012-13 Season Tags: ,