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OPINION: It Will Be An Injustice If You Don’t Read My Latest Novel

August 4, 2015 Leave a comment
By Cust Shirley, Writer

By Cust Shirley, Writer

IMPORTANT OPINIONS

I’ve told you in the past about the grave injustice that has been perpetrated against me by the so-called literary establishment. I’ve told you about how, in an effort to rectify this wrongdoing, I’ve resorted to publishing my novels on my own. And I’ve told you about my deeply personal trilogy of erotic science fiction novels written, I believe, at the zenith of my creative powers and which, to date, have sold only four copies. I’ve told you about all this.

Well, now I’m here to tell you about my latest book. And I’m going to go ahead and be straight as an arrow about it– this one is my greatest.

Poon Time is a no-holds barred, warts and all look at sexual mores in the Western Lankville Gulf. I personally spent three months in the Gulf, tagging along with a couple of guys that had a truck, just learning the in’s-and-out’s of the place, meeting the ordinary, everyday people, discovering my own personal Lankville. And I’ve put all of that into Poon Time. All of it and more.

And just to prove it to you, I’m going to lay a passage on you free of charge:

She was a sin-chicken that had come home to roost. He was sculpted and brazen with big legs– not afraid to use them. Sure, dinosaurs had somehow come back to life and were charging through the Gulf like berserk monsters in some two-bit make-out picture. But it didn’t matter. It was all gravy from here on out. And the gravy was spelled s-e-x.

You were surprised about the dinosaurs, am I right? Well, Poon Time is full of surprises.

So, I figured on giving Herb Howard over at Night Pyramid Books one last chance. I express-mailed him a copy of the manuscript which included several pages of explanatory notes. Then, I waited.

If the cover of my latest novel can't get you going, then we better check your pulse.

If the cover of my latest novel can’t get you going, then we better check your pulse.

Nothing.

Finally, in a rage, I called him up.

“Herb, god dammit, would you half-wits even know a great piece of literature if it hit you smack in the god damn kisser?”

He sighed. “Cust, we gotta’ give the public what they want. Poon Time is…well…it’s passe.”

“Passe? Herb, we’ve known each other a long time.”

“I know, Cust.”

He didn’t say anything. I called him a sonuvabitch and slammed down the phone.

So anyway, now I got a case of Poon Time’s that I published myself, just waiting for you. $19.99 for the paperback, $29.99 for the deluxe signed edition. Wanna’ correct a grievous injustice? Buy one.

You WILL NOT be disappointed.

The opinions of Cust Shirley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

THEATRE: New Play Misses Mark

June 26, 2015 1 comment
Lance Pepsid

Lance Pepsid

Theatre Review

The premier of a play by a Lankville writer is generally an event of some importance. Therefore, it is disturbing to report that Gore Bins which opened last evening at the Danny Madison Industries Actor’s Arena, missed its mark.

In the final scene, one of the characters puts her finger on the sore spot when she says, “this is inferior. I wish I knew why.”

The work of Cust Shirley, who has heretofore written novels, poetry and Hobo Village, a folk play with music, has been roundly dismissed by critics. Gore Bins continues the theme– it is a bundle of impassioned protests directed towards obscure targets. The character motivations are undeveloped and the general impression is one of confusion.

It would seem that Shirley, who arguably has very little to say, made the mistake of trying to say it all at once, quickly, without making any effort to formulate and augment it effectively. The constant, seemingly pointless, tossing of gore from the catwalks merely serves to exacerbate the problem.

“It was about every 30 seconds or so, they’d drop some gore,” noted patron Steven Buechele of the Lankville Outlands. “It was, like, a bunch of ground-up sausages or something made to look like intestines. The loud splat against the stage floor made it difficult to hear some of the lines that were being delivered.”

Shirley chose as his hero one Marty Totts, a bin salesman (played by Leo Gomez in his debut) who elects to champion the cause of Nino, a fisherman accused of murder.

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Marty Totts examines some undercarriage rust in a scene from “Gore Bins”.

The opening scene at Marty’s summer home at Lankville Beach presents an air of suspense with the arrival of Lieutenant Elia who announces that a search is being made for Nino’s victim among “the rocks down by the ocean.” In this scene, JoAnna Breese fares well in the role of “Lisas”, the fiancee of Marty. Jim Corsi, as Lieutenant Elia turns in the most believable performance of the play. Gore is dropped fifteen times with no characters seeming to take notice.

Lisas takes on the defense of Nino; she says, “I will clear his name at whatever cost in personal shame and degradation.” Lieutenant Elia responds, “why, there’s no need for that” to which Lisas says, “Oh, good, alright.” A bunch of gore is dropped and the scene ends.

Nino, however, is still arrested and a long, senseless court scene ensues– Robin Yount is particularly terrible as the distracted judge. Marty and Lisas house suddenly burns down offstage (although a fire was still set) and they are taken into the home of Boy-O, who endeavors to seduce Lisas and, despite his overall unappealing apperance (a lot of the gore falls on him) is successful. The love scene is awkward, rather lewd and marred by a lot of gore falling on the bed.

A street fight occurs between Marty and Boy-O and shortly thereafter, the entire neighborhood erupts into a game of tireless orgying and nothing ends up resolved.

Don McGovern, as Boy-O plays his role with skill and Lillian Tennis as the turtle trainer is competent but even their performances failed to lend support to the proceedings.

Summed up, the play is a travesty. It was produced and directed by Shirley.

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