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OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth at the Doctor’s Office Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth at the Doctor’s Office Again

March 19, 2015 Leave a comment
By Dick La Hoyt

By Dick La Hoyt

OUTSTANDING OPINIONS

Yeah, this is some breaking news for that asspipe that punched me in the mouth at the doctor’s office the other day. Guess what, shit-clown? I’ve been punched in the mouth at the doctor’s office before and I’ll be punched in the mouth at the doctor’s office again.

So, I’m just sitting around Dr. Yothers’ waiting room, minding my own business, skimming through an old issue of Lingus Nets Illustrated and this tough guy comes strolling in. He makes some small talk with the nurse Karen and then he sits down a couple of chairs away from me. Whole time, I’m thinking what the hell is this prick’s problem? but I keep my thoughts to myself. Dick La Hoyt ain’t no troublemaker, know what I mean?

Next thing I know, this guy comes horning in on the magazine table. I’m like WHOA BUDDY! BACK OFF! THESE MAGAZINES ARE SPOKEN FOR! and I put my arms out quickly to signify that I’m ready for a dance if it comes to that.

Dr. Yothers

“You’ve been punched in the mouth.” 

This retard is all like, “All the magazines are spoken for? There’s twenty magazines here!” and I’m like YOU GOTTA’ PROBLEM WITH THAT, BUDDY, WE CAN TAKE THIS SHIT OUTSIDE and Karen, the nurse is all like This is a doctor’s office, this is a doctor’s office and one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, this cock fiddler is bucking, there’s some back and forth around the magazine table and then, BANG, the shitheel clocks me right in the mouth.

I wake up on a table in Dr. Yothers’ office. He’s sitting on a stool doing a word puzzle. He’s got this whole thing about word puzzles.

“Feeling better Mr. La Hoyt?” He hands me an ice pack. My lip is all busted to hell and a tooth feels loose.

“Where’s that horse’s ass?” I say.

“I sent him away. Just rest, Mr. La Hoyt. You’ve been punched in the mouth.”

Sure, sure, I’d been punched in the mouth, doc. But I just want that sack of shit to know it– ain’t the first time and it won’t be the last.

The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

OPINION: I’ve Been Punched While Vomiting Before, I’ll Be Punched While Vomiting Again

January 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Dick La Hoyt

By Dick La Hoyt

Yeah, this is a message for that god damn hayseed that punched me while I was in the middle of vomiting last night at the peanut kiosk. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been punched while vomiting before, I’ll be punched while vomiting again.

So, listen- I’m just standing there at the Nuts Ah! down at Twin Removed Pines Mall, trying to pick out a proper nut for a kid’s birthday party when all the sudden this prick horns in and starts trying to tell his girlfriend about the cashews. So, I’m all like WHOA BUDDY! STEP ASIDE! STEP ASIDE! And he’s all like YOU BUCKING, MAN? and I know that some shit is gonna’ go down.

Nuts Ah! was the sight of a lot of vomiting and punching last night.

Nuts Ah! was the sight of a lot of vomiting and punching last night.

Right about then, though, I started to get this funny feeling in my stomach. I think it was some bad chuck from the greasy island place at the food court. And, well, next thing you know I’m blowing grits against the side of the Nuts Ah! kiosk. But not before this chicken-hearted motherlover has popped me right in the mouth.

So, I’m trying to defend myself and the Nuts Ah! guy is all like WHAT THE HELL, MAN but here I am, ready to ralph again. I try to hold the assclown off with my shoulder but he gets me with a good right at the exact moment that I hurl. Can you believe that shit? Everything went just about everywhere.

I’m down on the ground and this fuckface is trying to wipe his hands off on a nearby decorative plant and his girlfriend is all like YOU GOT PUKE ALL OVER YOUR HAND, DANNY! and I’m fading out, not even thinking about the god damn nuts anymore.

And then when I come to they’ve just propped me up against a bench outside and they sure as shit won’t let me back in and I ain’t going to be able to get those birthday party peanuts and my new heavy weave sweater is ruined.

But I just want that dickbreath to know– I’ve been punched while vomiting before, I’ll be punched while vomiting again.

The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth at a Candlelit Child’s Christmas Eve Pageant Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth at a Candlelit Child’s Christmas Eve Pageant Again

December 25, 2014 Leave a comment
By Dick La Hoyt

By Dick La Hoyt

Seasonal Opinions

This is a message for that joker that punched me in the mouth at a candlelit Christmas Eve pageant last night. Guess what, asshole? Been punched at one before, I’ll be punched at one again.

My niece was playing one of the animals from the first Christmas at some auditorium, so I went along. Got a chair right near the front in the middle aisle and I laid my coat over the back and then popped off my knitted sweater and draped that over a couple more chairs, one for my sister and her husband. Then, I ducked out back in the parking lot for a cigarette.

This is what the guy that punched me in the mouth looked like (file photo).

This is what the guy that punched me in the mouth looked like (file photo).

I come back and you wouldn’t believe it. My coat is thrown off to one side and this horse’s ass is sitting in my seat. So, I go up to him and I’m like WHOAAAAA BUDDY! THESE SEATS ARE SPOKEN FOR! This guy, he starts arguing with me about the coat and the sweater not being no “reserved” sign and I say YOU BETTER STEP OFF MAN, BETTER STEP OFF and my sister starts crying and pulling at my arm cause all the kids are starting to come onstage in their donkey outfits or whatever and some dude is walking around lighting these candles that was set up everywhere.

“We better take this one outside,” this clown says. GLADLY I say, and we start out a side exit. I turn around and BAM. I take it right in the mouth. I don’t remember much after that until I woke up in some sand. Must’ve been a playground or something. I could hear singing coming through the windows of the candlelit auditorium. I tasted blood.

So, just so this motherlovin’ asshead knows it– you ain’t the first, pal. I’ve been punched in the mouth at a candlelit child’s Christmas Eve pageant before, I’ll be punched in the mouth at a candelit child’s Christmas Eve pageant again.

I’ve Been Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Before, I’ll Be Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Again

August 8, 2014 Leave a comment
By Dick La Hoyt

By Dick La Hoyt

Yeah, I’m here to deliver a wake-up call to that clown that works over in Sector II. Guess what, buddy? I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.

So, I’m at work yesterday, just minding my own business over by the single-pass M85 stationary shredder– just feeding tires into that baby and cracking some jokes with some of the other fellows. And this turd comes over totally out of the blue with two tires and he just throws them on in there. I said, WHOA, BUDDY! THEM MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE GOT TO BE AUTHORIZED BY YOURS TRULY, FIRST! He just looked at me awhile and then he asked what I was going to do about it. And I told him right then and there that I’d do whatever it took.

The next thing I know, we’re going at it and this jackass got a couple of good belly punches in and then, when I was bent over, he picked me up and threw me into the tire shredder. I couldn’t believe it none.

So, anyways, I just wanted to let that bastard ass know one thing– I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.

The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News

OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth Again

August 4, 2014 Leave a comment
By Dick La Hoyt

By Dick La Hoyt

This is a message for that guy that punched me in the mouth in back of the Carpet Diablo store on Route 32 on Sunday night. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been punched in the mouth before and I’ll be punched in the mouth again.

This guy, let me tell you. All I was doing was standing there, minding my own business, looking at some brown carpet tiles. I wanted a carpet that would absorb moisture and put up with a real pounding but that would also look good in my basement game room. So I headed right away to Carpet Diablo. They never disappoint.

So, like I said, I’m just standing there and this asshole suddenly horns in on the tiles I’m looking at. Whole time, he’s chatting up his girlfriend, trying to look like big shit. I said, “WHOA, BUDDY. These carpet tiles are spoken for.”

Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know, we’re in the weedy area in back of the store after closing time. There wasn’t nobody around on account of it being Sunday. And the guy, he says, “I’ll fight you, but first you better go over there and check on that pile of items wrapped up in that tarp. I don’t want no extra trouble.”

Well, I didn’t know what the asshole was talking about except that there was a big bunch of items on the far side of the lot. I got over there and shook some rainwater off the tarp and peeked inside. It was just a couple of bodies and a bunch of guns– usual kind of thing you’d see on a Sunday evening in Lankville. I go to turn around to tell the guy but the next thing I know, he’s right on top of me and he punched me forty-six times in the mouth. I heard the girl laughing and then I lay there for awhile. It was dark when I finally got up and found that my car had been towed. It was a hell of an evening.

So, I just want to make sure that lousy asshat knows it. I’ve been punched in the mouth before, I’ll be punched in the mouth again.

The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinons of the Lankville Daily News or its subsidiaries.

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