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Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Teacher of Grubanian

August 31, 2013 Leave a comment

By Ric Royer
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I put on a coat and tie and snuck into this fancy-pants luncheon; turned out it was for the “Modern Languages” department at some nearby university.  I shoved in as much meat as seemed possible without causing a scene, then wandered over to the bar where I ordered a bourbon– neat.

Some broad in a suit that accentuated a round, handsome heiney appeared out of nowhere and ordered a soda with lemon.  Our eyes met.

“Are you a professor at _________?” she said, in a tempered foreign accent.

“Yeah sure baby.”  I bent backwards slightly at the waist to show off the goods.

“I teach Grubanian,” she said.  Her eyes began to ramble slowly downwards.

“Say something in Grubanian,” I prodded.

She smiled and delivered some horseshit.  I couldn’t make hide or tail or it.

“Listen,” I said, deciding quickly on a gambit.  “I’ll pound you so hard, you’ll be speaking fucking Chinese.”

She dropped the soda on the carpet.

Two hours later we were lying on a waterbed in a deluxe motel, staring up at the water-stained ceiling.  I had absolutely destroyed her suit and we had to have it sent out.  I figured on ordering some food in.

“Why don’t we get fusion?  I know a place,” she suggested.

“Fuck that.  I’m going to have a guy send over some potatoes.  Maybe a side of pit turkey.”

“You are a meat and potatoes kind of guy aren’t you?” she said.  She climbed aboard again.

“That’s right, baby.  They used to call me “ol’ Meat and Potatoes” back in school.”

“Oh?  University?”  She began rocking back and forth.

“Nope.  First grade.  Jesuit school.”

“Oh.”

She seemed confused.  I liked it that way.

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