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Catching Up With Robin Brox

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment

By Marles Cundiff
Lankville Lakes Region Attache
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Lankville Lakes Cabbager correspondent Marles Cundiff had a chance to sit down with Condiments owner and GM Robin Brox at her uncolored condiment factory in Western Lankville.

MC: Disappointed with the lockout?
RB: Absolutely. But I’m a female entrepreneur. We can’t sit on our hands waiting for something to happen. So, I’ve gone ahead and rented out Brox Uncolored Condiment Centre to several circuses and an athletic display for the retarded.
MC: You’re the only owner, in fact, who seems to be moving forward.
RB: My life has always been about moving forward. I’ve been married 13 times.
MC: Somehow, I…I find that really hot.
RB: You like that, baby?

(Brox began slapping Cundiff hard in the face and caroming condiment packets off his head. The two were later married and the interview was ended prematurely).

Vitiello Changes Club Name to “24-Piece Men”

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment

Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
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The Dead Puck Era have changed their club name to “The 24-Piece Men”, it was announced early this morning. The move is effective today and marks the 10th name change this season.

GM Chris Vitiello, who appeared at a poorly-attended 5AM “fun mixer” at a downtown hotel, took a moment to explain the decision.

“This [change] is based on a great number of things,” the executive noted, after closely scrutinizing a group of loudly-talking patrons, his seemingly bloodless hand clenching his ever-present braided whip. “For one, it is a reminder to me of excess and of sloth. You see, I was once very fat.”

Vitiello momentarily broke down and then suddenly whipped at the air, his eyes darting about the room. After calming down, the GM continued:

“I once was very fat and I ordered a 24-piece chicken every day from a greasy, disgusting fast food counter run by Island people. They used to say, “Here comes the 24-piece man!” and it got to be where I put on a show for them. I’d loudly and fatly prance about the store proclaiming myself the 24-piece man. I even bought myself a gold crown with the words “24-piece man” engraved on the front. I wore it everywhere.”

“And then I had an epiphany. I was lying in bed, having just gorged myself yet again and I happened to glance at a mirror and saw myself there with the crown and the spent chicken bones. And I said to myself, in a voice that was not my own, I am a Demon.”

“And I saw fire then. And I immediately returned to the chicken counter and whipped everyone there furiously. The counter closed shortly thereafter.”

Vitiello seemed relieved at his confession and spent the next 20 minutes engaged in amiable conversation, making lighthearted jokes and overturning a few tables for fun.

“I should whip everyone here,” he laughed, a brilliant smile flashing across his face. “I should whip you all ruthlessly until blood fills the room but I won’t. It’s a fun mixer, you came to have fun.”

“But I should whip everyone. Everyone here,” he added, suddenly with purpose.

Categories: 2012-13 Season Tags: , ,
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