Posts Tagged ‘Marles Cundiff’

So, You Daft Assholes Will Debate the Fucking Color of a Pair of Pants but You Won’t Read the Lankville Daily News?

March 2, 2015 1 comment
By Marles Cundiff

By Marles Cundiff, Editor-in-Chief


I just want to try to get something straight.

Basically, you daft bunch of assholes will stare endlessly at a picture of a god damn pair of pants but you won’t read the Lankville Daily News?

I got that about right?

For example, our analytics indicate that five million more people debated the fucking color of this pair of pants nonsense than read Elliott Cumber-Lanny’s important, dare I say groundbreaking report on the deadly snowbank. And evidently over seven million more people stared at these pants than read Gump Tibbs’ penetrating interview with female contributor Sarah Samways.

Are you a bunch of pig-headed mongoloids?

We work hard at the Lankville Daily News to bring you hard-hitting reports, important, modern opinions, innovative electronics articles and up-to-the minute bumpkin notices.

And all so you screwsticks can natter on endlessly about whether a cheap, shitty pair of pants are blue, yellow, or green.


Marles Cundiff,

Now, More than Ever, WE ARE LANKVILLE: A Message from the Editor

December 12, 2014 1 comment
By Marles Cundiff

By Marles Cundiff

That’s right. Now, more than ever, The Lankville Daily News is your paper. You, the reader, makes us whole. We are all Lankville.

We are Lankville.

We are Lankville.

Because we now cover the world, we have a new logo. It’s a beautiful logo and it was made by a guy that we found sleeping on a table in a public bathroom. We trusted him. We gave him a job. And we have been proven right. Although he often screams aloud, he is a great man. He is Lankville. We are Lankville.

When the Lankville Daily News started (way back in 2008), the only stories we ever seemed to scoop were small fires and Ric Royer’s shopping trips. Now, we cover the world. We have horoscopes. We have Small Motel Girl Wrestling. We have men’s feelings. But we are more than just the news. We entertain, we inform, we probe. We can tell you how to cook a chicken properly, how to prepare for your retirement and how to acquire more trophies. We can titillate you with romance, we can intrigue you with new products and our outstanding collection of diverse opinions will make you think about the hard-hitting issues that face us all– from new boyfriends to getting punched in the face and everything in between!

Our logo designer. He is doing pretty well now.

Our logo designer. He is doing pretty well now.

We encourage you to peruse our paper with increased gusto, particularly as the days fly by into weeks and then into months and then ultimately into years. Because our paper, your paper, is our chronicle. It is our life archive. It is our running history. It is you.

You and me and them. We are Lankville.



Meet the Reporters of the Lankville Daily News

November 28, 2014 Leave a comment
Photo on 2011-07-05 at 15.41 #2

By Captain Marles Cundiff, Editor

I grew up on a farm outside of Lankville. Dad grew corns [sic] and Mom used to fashion up these homemade balloons that she took up to the road and sold out of a donkey cart. The whole thing smacked of senselessness.

We didn’t have any news in our town but I listened to the crackly, faraway broadcasts of news from distant provinces. I got to where I could write little articles for The Farm Gazette and they would pay me in bananas. That smacked of senselessness too. Dad would say in his quiet but intense way, “Marles, we don’t need any more bananas. It’s getting to be where these bananas are a terrible, terrible burden. If you don’t stop bringing in all these bananas Marles, we’re just gonna’ go under– the whole family. We’re just gonna’ god damn lose everything if you don’t quit selling articles for bananas.”

So, after awhile, I took that as a hint to head for the city.

And the rest is history, I guess.

Captain Marles Cundiff has been a reporter and editor for The Lankville Daily News since 1972. He is also a captain in the Lankville Probity Auxiliary. 

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