Posts Tagged ‘Sheeba Incaviglia’

5 Things that Disgust Me in Men: By 5 Famous Lankville Women

August 12, 2015 1 comment
Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.



“I am an emotional woman by nature. Therefore, I could not stand the love and companionship of a man who was unable to share these emotions that often explode within me and which I feel so deeply. To make me happy, a man would have to be able to make me laugh when I am happy, to sob uncontrollably with me when I am sad, and to share my often senseless grief with me with I grieve.”

LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress

LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress

“I am really disgusted by men who hold up hour glasses and are like– OK, time’s up, honey.” Gosh, I can’t stand that. I want a man who doesn’t worry about time, who ignores times, who lets the day unfold naturally, even if it means missing the boat back to the mainland and having to stay with some weird island people that don’t have any teevees. That’s OK, though, because, like, then you get the adventure of staying with island people and a story you can tell later when you get back to the mainland. I also don’t like men who aren’t adventurous. If I want to go into a dark cave, why shouldn’t I be able to? I don’t need some man telling me, “no, no no.” All I want to hear is yes. That’s just my most favorite word!

ROBIN BROX- Businesswoman, Founder Brox Uncolored Condiments

ROBIN BROX- Businesswoman, Founder and CEO, Brox Uncolored Condiments

I drive 100 MPH everywhere and I don’t stop for any god damn traffic lights. If a man is scared by that, then he better stick to the fucking kiddie rides. And I don’t like prudes. If you don’t want to even broach the subject of rallying up enough pelvic torque to take a woman to a place where heaven knows no fucking bounds, then let’s call the whole god damn thing off right now. What am I in this shit for– the conversation? Forget it. I gotta’ look after these god damn uncolored condiments, I don’t need any of that garbage. The first time some asshole squirts some yellow mustard on a $20 tie is the next time I get another customer. They’re coming out of the god damn woodwork. They just love these god damn uncolored condiments. They plunk down ten grand just to hear my ass stand at a lectern and natter on about them. Who the fuck knows? Is anybody really happy? Get out of here with these horseshit questions, for Christ’s sake.

DR. GINA TORREZ-KEEBLER, Professor of Gender and Women's Studies, University of Southern Lankville Plains

DR. GINA TORREZ-KEEBLER, Professor of Gender and Women’s Studies, University of Southern Lankville Plains

I don’t care for men who are crude or violent. They may call themselves he-men but as far as I’m concerned, they are merely overgrown juvenile delinquents. The Lankvillian male tends to confuse bad manners, sloppiness and sexual congress with virility. A real man is gentle, kind, effete even. He does not have to go around proving it by cursing, working out with free weights or having intercourse. He can prove it just by putting a single white rose in a vase on a table and creating a lovely, spare tableau or by hanging a fashionable drapery. That’s what interests me and I find men to be most useful for.

Shelley Reports

SHELLEY REPORTS, Economist, Writer

I guess I’m a little on the tubby side– just a little. So, a man would have to accept that. I have a strange, high-pitched voice as well. There’s that. And my feet make an eldritch squeaking noise when I walk. They’ve never been able to figure it out– it doesn’t matter what kind of shoes I wear. I don’t have to be wearing any shoes at all. My feet just squeak. It’s odd. I also don’t have any teeth.

So, I guess I would like a man who is accepting of all those things and still finds me beautiful. I am beautiful, it’s just those problems that I outlined above. I want a man who tells me I’m beautiful and who sends me pre-printed greeting cards that say, “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL”. That would be nice.

In terms of what disgusts me? Probably just foreigners.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

April 24, 2015 Leave a comment
Sheeba channels the future.

Sheeba channels the future.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Family member confides a secret. Turns out, they murdered someone. Your thinking on this should be constructive and helpful. Don’t burden them with your doubts. Business activities should take a backseat this week.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Take time out to enjoy some leisure. Set up a matching lawn chair and end table in the yard. Put a transistor radio on the table. The table will collapse, the radio will fall to the ground. Two batteries will be ejected suddenly from the side. It’s just not your week.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Sometimes old people can be fooled by costumes. Find a convincing non-human costume and walk loudly down a busy street. Could be a little scratch in it.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—It’s time to come to terms with that loudmouth relative that hogs the sofa. Avoid jumping to conclusions about that guy that hangs around the laundry but never seems to have any actual laundry to do. Could be a chance for an intensified relationship. Be aware of your potential.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)–Spread your emotional wings after dinner. Climb up onto your chair for effect. Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights. Hang it in your cubicle at work. Say, “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again while laughing wildly.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)–There’s nothing wrong with a feral, public feast of sex. It can be cleansing. The airport is not a good place for it though. Puts everyone on edge.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Work will likely go better in a tension-free atmosphere. Tend to your paperwork near a nice pond, lake or mall fountain. Treat yourself to a new outfit. Keep in mind: they don’t have new outfits for sale at ponds and lakes. You know what to do.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—News concerning another person’s finances will be enlightening but not involve you. That is, unless you make it involve you. Lower the hammer.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Be wary of new romance this week. Remember, there’s a lot of sodomites running around. It’s a twilight world.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—You may feel as though an appalling demon has possessed your very soul this week but overall the year ahead should prove to be happy and profitable. Romance could turn into marriage but it could also just turn into tearing up the backseat of your car. Exert patience as you wait for the damage to be repaired.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Organization is key this week. Why not figure out what the hell you’re doing with that giant cabinet of beads? What a god damn mess that thing is— beads everywhere, nothing sorted by color or size. Christ, almighty, get to work on that.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—Travel plans may have to be shelved this week. Put an emphasis on short journeys to places you’re already well familiar with–large buildings or a series of connected buildings which contain a large variety of retail stores and perhaps food courts, for example.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

February 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.

Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—It’s a month to really embrace family, even the scary dirty hill people on your mother’s side. Even though most of them work in tire shops, you can still show your love with a few extremely cheap shiny gifts. They’ll think the world of you. Lucky numbers tonight are 8, 17, 94 and 5.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—A chance meeting with an exotic foreign man could lead to romance. That is, until you go to meet him at his apartment building and you find his name written idiotically on a mailbox in the debris-filled lobby. There will be a machine in one corner that dispenses small cartons of milk but someone has tipped it over. You will try the elevator—the “up” button will ding but nothing further happens. Know when to cut your losses.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—A great week to work on improving your physical appearance. Dress up a bit—wear a pin on your lapel that depicts a bear playing with balloons. Pick up some of those sheer toe panty hose packaged in the funny white egg containers. Buy a bunch of them so that they jiggle around in the bag as you walk through the mall. There’s something comforting about that sound.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Getting very little on Tautus the week. Not sure what the problem is—I jiggled the crystal ball up and down a BUNCH of times but nothing happened. Probably need to have someone come out, have a look at it. Maybe some problem with enabling cookies or something.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—You’ve got your finger on the pulse this week which not only helps you come up with modern, cutting-edge solutions but also allows you to bring joy to the infirm. Tell them all about how you’re on the cutting edge—they’ll appreciate it, since, being infirm, they probably haven’t been on the cutting edge for a long time, if ever. Know what I’m saying?

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—Put things in perspective by spending a lot of time looking at space. Get a telescope and marvel at the comets or the giant asteroids pounding together like a couple of giant space boobs creating cosmic chaos. All your cares will melt away.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—Could be a good time to consider a change of scenery. After all, that pumpkin fire that’s been raging behind your house shows no signs of abating. The realtor said, “Oh, that. That’s going to go out any day now. It’s just a bunch of pumpkins” but clearly, after four years it’s just getting stronger. You wouldn’t think pumpkins could burn like that but there you go. The choice is yours.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Your enthusiasm for all things luscious is contagious! You’ll want to experience it all but remember, be budget-conscious. Luscious things are really expensive and they never appear on the second-hand market. No need to work up a sweat tonight—it’s not worth the time.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Mania begins to creep in this week. Cut it off at your “mind pass.” Push it to one side like you’d shove an erupted beanbag chair into a trashcan. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking at a beautiful beach scene at dusk. You’ll hear the sound of the surf and those birds they have. Your lucky numbers are 10 and maybe 45.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—Sure, you’re practical, determined and steadfast. But there’s another side of you too—that kind of weird side that reads lewd pamphlets in bus stations while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container. Embrace both. Tonight, make sure your love is more than words. Right? Get it?

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—You will like your date this week instantly—unfortunately, he will become nervous, agitated even, and to make up for his discomfort, he will construct a small model farm out of scrap wood on your restaurant table. He will build a barn, a house, some chicken coops and a covered bridge. Long after you have left (he is completely unresponsive) and the night passes into morning, he will paint each structure and then, using some old electrical insulation made of paraffin, create some ersatz stones to place along a running creek powered by a train engine, that he builds of open PVC tubing. Still, you should give him another try. There could be a future in all this.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—Birth, in one form or another, is the theme. Could be the birth of a child or could be the beginnings of that cat-related crafts business you’ve always dreamed of starting. Stuffed cats can be made to resemble all sorts of famous pop stars. It’s a slam dunk, really.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

January 15, 2015 Leave a comment
Sheeba channels the future.

Sheeba ramps up some future.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— The new year will mean a new position and rise in social status. If you’re offered that job putting gigantic newspapers on yardsticks at the library, take it. A man sporting chiseled good looks will walk in. “I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a yardstick,” he’ll say. You will fall very quickly into a torrid romance.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)— A trying month for Aquariums. Yours will be a lonely patrol of desolate landscapes until you come upon a man by an old swimming pool. He is watching some people cook spaghetti on a small television set. He will hold it up for you to see. However, there will be little solace in this. Still, a conversation may shed new light on your difficult situation.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)— Show your considerate side this week. A change of scenery could delight someone who has been stuck indoors recently, particularly if they are really fat. Take your fat reclusive acquaintance to a mall or maybe to the zoo to gawk at some arboreal apes. Just be sure to exercise good judgment.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Put some emphasis this week on acquiring knowledge through magazines. Have a close look at the color pictures— you know what they say, “A picture tells a lot more words than words”. Join a charitable organization and climb over people to get to the top.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Wonderful opportunities on the horizon this week. You’ll be able to see them from your porch. They will arrive like giant otherworldly waves breaking against the shore of a desolate, undiscovered planet. Work on improving your physical fitness.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Go ahead and ignore a family member’s concern this week. It will go away. Give nothing and you may still get a lot. It’s all coming up YOU although beware of parking your car on the grass no matter what the man at the carnival tells you.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—This is a good week to mix business with pleasure. Offer yourself to your boss. If you are at first rebuffed, just keep offering and make the outfits skimpier and skimpier. He won’t be able to resist. This is also a good week for discovering a new hobby (which could just be offering yourself to your boss–your choice).

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- Visit someone in a hospital. Bring a lot of balloons. Throughout history, balloons have always made everyone happy. Hit the malls after that–lot of great bargains right now!

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- People consider you a glamorous figure. You attract fascinating people and animals. Be discreet. Don’t reveal everything immediately (especially to the animals). If you hold back, you create an atmosphere of mystery and elusiveness. Continue to pursue efforts of making money through highly irregular channels.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Don’t be afraid to put your boot up somebody’s ass this week. You’ve got to be tough with some of your co-workers. They’ll respect you for it in the end.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)— Come to work all week with a gigantic, stupid smile on your face. Keep that stupid smile affixed to your face all day, even if you are experiencing extreme ennui. In the evenings, stand naked before a mirror flexing slightly. Murmur, “nothing can touch me” over and over again. You will be well-prepared for the next day.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— Something will go awry with the float in your toilet. A plumber will be called in— a handsome man with a dimpled chin. He will offer you advice. At first, you will tell him that you are not taking any advice from some lowly fucking piece of shit asshole plumber. But, you’ll soon come around after he fixes the float.

Horoscopes with Sheeba Incaviglia

December 28, 2014 Leave a comment
Sheeba Incaviglia

Sheeba Incaviglia

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— In our society, we have had some real problems dealing with all these mysterious issues that have come up in the past. Try to speculate on which of these issues might be best discussed in a restrained manner with some people that you’re having lunch with. Tape-record the dialogue that ensues.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—This is the week to invite a friend or co-worker to lunch. Make sure you offer to drive. Take them to a filthy inner-city chicken restaurant. Buy an enormous bucket of chicken and twelve biscuits. Leave before they can even order so that they are forced to follow you. Drive them to an abandoned urban park and sit at a picnic table. Take your sweet time laying out all the food. Become haughty when they complain.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights. Hang it in your cubicle. Say “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again and laugh wildly.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—This may be the month to embrace the odd and unusual. Do not shy away from conversation with a man sitting on a gigantic folded piece of foam in a graveyard. There could be a windfall at the end of it.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—You always found the cliche “cleanliness is godliness” rather corny. Nevertheless, there are an awful lot of old tires in your front yard. It may be time.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—You have always thought of yourself as having impeccable taste but it may be time to admit that you actually like inflatable furniture. After all, what other furniture can be deflated, shoved into a knapsack, transported to a carpeted basement recreation room and re-inflated. This is the week to mull these things over.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Beware of excess this week. The purchase of an oversized soda with a flimsy lid will lead to disaster. You will spill the entire soda all over yourself and you will begin sobbing in front of a large number of people you were hoping to impress. The sobbing will lead to a piercing half-cry/half-scream and you will have to be removed from the premises. Go with only light bottled drinks this week.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You’ll be talking to a friend on a street corner and a man will appear on the opposite corner holding up a sign that says “YOU WILL DRAIN MY NADS.” You are appalled at first but also secretly intrigued. If you can get past his habit of holding up lewd signs, you may find a soulmate.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- It’s always good to plan ahead but hold off on buying that wicker sectional with all the ottomans. The ottomans will be completely destroyed by a pack of wild dogs. You won’t be able to have them repaired. No one repairs wicker ottomans that have been torn apart by wild dogs.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- An estranged relative will come back into your life this week. She will want to sit outside on a sectional with some ottomans which is why it’s not a good idea to buy that sectional because then she would be attacked by wild dogs, as illustrated above. Virgo and Leo are aligned this week.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Get involved in a project this week. Volunteer to stand outside a grocery store or help clean-up an unsafe, drug-ravaged, derelict neighborhood. You’ll make a difference.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—No good news for Scorpions this week. Everything will fall apart or fold in on itself. Machines will break at your touch, blankets will deteriorate as they try desperately to envelop you. There will be no warmth and it will seem like an epoch before there is light again. You’re just going to have to take it. No lucky numbers this week although try 12. You never know.

%d bloggers like this: