Posts Tagged ‘Horoscopes’

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

April 24, 2015 Leave a comment
Sheeba channels the future.

Sheeba channels the future.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Family member confides a secret. Turns out, they murdered someone. Your thinking on this should be constructive and helpful. Don’t burden them with your doubts. Business activities should take a backseat this week.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Take time out to enjoy some leisure. Set up a matching lawn chair and end table in the yard. Put a transistor radio on the table. The table will collapse, the radio will fall to the ground. Two batteries will be ejected suddenly from the side. It’s just not your week.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Sometimes old people can be fooled by costumes. Find a convincing non-human costume and walk loudly down a busy street. Could be a little scratch in it.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—It’s time to come to terms with that loudmouth relative that hogs the sofa. Avoid jumping to conclusions about that guy that hangs around the laundry but never seems to have any actual laundry to do. Could be a chance for an intensified relationship. Be aware of your potential.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)–Spread your emotional wings after dinner. Climb up onto your chair for effect. Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights. Hang it in your cubicle at work. Say, “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again while laughing wildly.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)–There’s nothing wrong with a feral, public feast of sex. It can be cleansing. The airport is not a good place for it though. Puts everyone on edge.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Work will likely go better in a tension-free atmosphere. Tend to your paperwork near a nice pond, lake or mall fountain. Treat yourself to a new outfit. Keep in mind: they don’t have new outfits for sale at ponds and lakes. You know what to do.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—News concerning another person’s finances will be enlightening but not involve you. That is, unless you make it involve you. Lower the hammer.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Be wary of new romance this week. Remember, there’s a lot of sodomites running around. It’s a twilight world.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—You may feel as though an appalling demon has possessed your very soul this week but overall the year ahead should prove to be happy and profitable. Romance could turn into marriage but it could also just turn into tearing up the backseat of your car. Exert patience as you wait for the damage to be repaired.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Organization is key this week. Why not figure out what the hell you’re doing with that giant cabinet of beads? What a god damn mess that thing is— beads everywhere, nothing sorted by color or size. Christ, almighty, get to work on that.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—Travel plans may have to be shelved this week. Put an emphasis on short journeys to places you’re already well familiar with–large buildings or a series of connected buildings which contain a large variety of retail stores and perhaps food courts, for example.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

February 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.

Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—It’s a month to really embrace family, even the scary dirty hill people on your mother’s side. Even though most of them work in tire shops, you can still show your love with a few extremely cheap shiny gifts. They’ll think the world of you. Lucky numbers tonight are 8, 17, 94 and 5.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—A chance meeting with an exotic foreign man could lead to romance. That is, until you go to meet him at his apartment building and you find his name written idiotically on a mailbox in the debris-filled lobby. There will be a machine in one corner that dispenses small cartons of milk but someone has tipped it over. You will try the elevator—the “up” button will ding but nothing further happens. Know when to cut your losses.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—A great week to work on improving your physical appearance. Dress up a bit—wear a pin on your lapel that depicts a bear playing with balloons. Pick up some of those sheer toe panty hose packaged in the funny white egg containers. Buy a bunch of them so that they jiggle around in the bag as you walk through the mall. There’s something comforting about that sound.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Getting very little on Tautus the week. Not sure what the problem is—I jiggled the crystal ball up and down a BUNCH of times but nothing happened. Probably need to have someone come out, have a look at it. Maybe some problem with enabling cookies or something.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—You’ve got your finger on the pulse this week which not only helps you come up with modern, cutting-edge solutions but also allows you to bring joy to the infirm. Tell them all about how you’re on the cutting edge—they’ll appreciate it, since, being infirm, they probably haven’t been on the cutting edge for a long time, if ever. Know what I’m saying?

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—Put things in perspective by spending a lot of time looking at space. Get a telescope and marvel at the comets or the giant asteroids pounding together like a couple of giant space boobs creating cosmic chaos. All your cares will melt away.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—Could be a good time to consider a change of scenery. After all, that pumpkin fire that’s been raging behind your house shows no signs of abating. The realtor said, “Oh, that. That’s going to go out any day now. It’s just a bunch of pumpkins” but clearly, after four years it’s just getting stronger. You wouldn’t think pumpkins could burn like that but there you go. The choice is yours.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Your enthusiasm for all things luscious is contagious! You’ll want to experience it all but remember, be budget-conscious. Luscious things are really expensive and they never appear on the second-hand market. No need to work up a sweat tonight—it’s not worth the time.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Mania begins to creep in this week. Cut it off at your “mind pass.” Push it to one side like you’d shove an erupted beanbag chair into a trashcan. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking at a beautiful beach scene at dusk. You’ll hear the sound of the surf and those birds they have. Your lucky numbers are 10 and maybe 45.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—Sure, you’re practical, determined and steadfast. But there’s another side of you too—that kind of weird side that reads lewd pamphlets in bus stations while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container. Embrace both. Tonight, make sure your love is more than words. Right? Get it?

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—You will like your date this week instantly—unfortunately, he will become nervous, agitated even, and to make up for his discomfort, he will construct a small model farm out of scrap wood on your restaurant table. He will build a barn, a house, some chicken coops and a covered bridge. Long after you have left (he is completely unresponsive) and the night passes into morning, he will paint each structure and then, using some old electrical insulation made of paraffin, create some ersatz stones to place along a running creek powered by a train engine, that he builds of open PVC tubing. Still, you should give him another try. There could be a future in all this.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—Birth, in one form or another, is the theme. Could be the birth of a child or could be the beginnings of that cat-related crafts business you’ve always dreamed of starting. Stuffed cats can be made to resemble all sorts of famous pop stars. It’s a slam dunk, really.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

January 29, 2015 1 comment
Sheeba channels the future.

Sheeba ramps up some future.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—You’ve grown bored lately with television and word puzzles—consider challenging yourself by engaging in charity work this month. Travel to a monstrous neighborhood full of monstrous people and distribute half-turkeys. Remember, the indigent often have no teeth so if you’re bringing a desert be sure it’s crumbly.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—The month will be trying for Pisces. Hail, the size of bottles, will fall upon you and you will feel the anger of a maniacal God. You will race on towards something unseen and unknown, through deep, thick-walled cellars in ancient houses. You will chain yourself to the stone wall, throw dirt in your own face, trying to excise the demons. There will be no hope for you though. You know it.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)— This is a good time to be happy-go-lucky. Buy that gaudy yarn you always wanted or drive up into a field and knock over an electrified fence. Go where the fun is.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)— Tautuses should be calculating this month. This may not be the time to walk through backyards full of pointless holes with old banners strung between two trees that read, “HAPPY EASTER, LES.” You have to ask yourself, “What kind of person will I find here?”

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—A good friend may turn into a whirlwind romance this month. You’ll just be sitting around, watching a space show on TV and eating from a loosely-arranged plate of thin meats and the next thing you know, you’re being torqued like a jenny. Just remember: what feels good now might be undesirable later; although in this case, might as well go for the gold.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You cannot shove your creativity aside but you can learn to funnel it. Imagine a series of “mind pipes” inside your vast head—the creativity will slosh through the “mind pipes” to touch all areas and be expelled upon craft paper, crochet boards or into culinary concoctions. Your shimmering brilliance will be instantly acknowledged.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—In the past, you’ve been accused of apathy—important to really care this month. Really care a lot and hard. Make it an alternately gentle and then suddenly violent hardness that will peak at just the right moment. Look forward to this sort of activity.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Might be a good time to exercise some brain cells—you’ve been reading a lot of little pamphlets from grocery stores lately. Get out a piece of paper and write down some examples where it would unrealistic to keep bins open as more items “arrive” from space to be packed, rather than to close the bins permanently based on otherworldly criteria. Show your work.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—You’ll get back on track once you stop hanging out in that basement with those disgusting orange stools and those guys with the occultist ideas. You’ll find that your reputation will easily be restored.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—It is important to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “when we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, just keep some guns nearby.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Sure, you’ve got a little side porch that looks out over some fields. And sure, you can put out a TV tray with some lemonade and a baking sheet of fries. And sure, you got a radio and you can pull that antenna out and receive distant signals from over the mountain. Thing is, this town is cursed. It’s haunted. It’s got the devil in it. It’s your call.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— It’s a good time to hold up a mirror and recognize your issues. Might be a good idea to stop getting all your clothes for free by answering questions about the kind of car you’d like to have. It’s depressing. It’s depressing to look at you with those car dealership t-shirts and baseball caps. Get to work—recognize your unique qualities but for the love of God, get rid of those t-shirts.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

January 15, 2015 Leave a comment
Sheeba channels the future.

Sheeba ramps up some future.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— The new year will mean a new position and rise in social status. If you’re offered that job putting gigantic newspapers on yardsticks at the library, take it. A man sporting chiseled good looks will walk in. “I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a yardstick,” he’ll say. You will fall very quickly into a torrid romance.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)— A trying month for Aquariums. Yours will be a lonely patrol of desolate landscapes until you come upon a man by an old swimming pool. He is watching some people cook spaghetti on a small television set. He will hold it up for you to see. However, there will be little solace in this. Still, a conversation may shed new light on your difficult situation.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)— Show your considerate side this week. A change of scenery could delight someone who has been stuck indoors recently, particularly if they are really fat. Take your fat reclusive acquaintance to a mall or maybe to the zoo to gawk at some arboreal apes. Just be sure to exercise good judgment.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Put some emphasis this week on acquiring knowledge through magazines. Have a close look at the color pictures— you know what they say, “A picture tells a lot more words than words”. Join a charitable organization and climb over people to get to the top.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Wonderful opportunities on the horizon this week. You’ll be able to see them from your porch. They will arrive like giant otherworldly waves breaking against the shore of a desolate, undiscovered planet. Work on improving your physical fitness.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Go ahead and ignore a family member’s concern this week. It will go away. Give nothing and you may still get a lot. It’s all coming up YOU although beware of parking your car on the grass no matter what the man at the carnival tells you.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—This is a good week to mix business with pleasure. Offer yourself to your boss. If you are at first rebuffed, just keep offering and make the outfits skimpier and skimpier. He won’t be able to resist. This is also a good week for discovering a new hobby (which could just be offering yourself to your boss–your choice).

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- Visit someone in a hospital. Bring a lot of balloons. Throughout history, balloons have always made everyone happy. Hit the malls after that–lot of great bargains right now!

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- People consider you a glamorous figure. You attract fascinating people and animals. Be discreet. Don’t reveal everything immediately (especially to the animals). If you hold back, you create an atmosphere of mystery and elusiveness. Continue to pursue efforts of making money through highly irregular channels.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Don’t be afraid to put your boot up somebody’s ass this week. You’ve got to be tough with some of your co-workers. They’ll respect you for it in the end.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)— Come to work all week with a gigantic, stupid smile on your face. Keep that stupid smile affixed to your face all day, even if you are experiencing extreme ennui. In the evenings, stand naked before a mirror flexing slightly. Murmur, “nothing can touch me” over and over again. You will be well-prepared for the next day.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— Something will go awry with the float in your toilet. A plumber will be called in— a handsome man with a dimpled chin. He will offer you advice. At first, you will tell him that you are not taking any advice from some lowly fucking piece of shit asshole plumber. But, you’ll soon come around after he fixes the float.

Horoscopes with Sheeba Incaviglia

December 28, 2014 Leave a comment
Sheeba Incaviglia

Sheeba Incaviglia

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— In our society, we have had some real problems dealing with all these mysterious issues that have come up in the past. Try to speculate on which of these issues might be best discussed in a restrained manner with some people that you’re having lunch with. Tape-record the dialogue that ensues.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—This is the week to invite a friend or co-worker to lunch. Make sure you offer to drive. Take them to a filthy inner-city chicken restaurant. Buy an enormous bucket of chicken and twelve biscuits. Leave before they can even order so that they are forced to follow you. Drive them to an abandoned urban park and sit at a picnic table. Take your sweet time laying out all the food. Become haughty when they complain.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights. Hang it in your cubicle. Say “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again and laugh wildly.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—This may be the month to embrace the odd and unusual. Do not shy away from conversation with a man sitting on a gigantic folded piece of foam in a graveyard. There could be a windfall at the end of it.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—You always found the cliche “cleanliness is godliness” rather corny. Nevertheless, there are an awful lot of old tires in your front yard. It may be time.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—You have always thought of yourself as having impeccable taste but it may be time to admit that you actually like inflatable furniture. After all, what other furniture can be deflated, shoved into a knapsack, transported to a carpeted basement recreation room and re-inflated. This is the week to mull these things over.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Beware of excess this week. The purchase of an oversized soda with a flimsy lid will lead to disaster. You will spill the entire soda all over yourself and you will begin sobbing in front of a large number of people you were hoping to impress. The sobbing will lead to a piercing half-cry/half-scream and you will have to be removed from the premises. Go with only light bottled drinks this week.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You’ll be talking to a friend on a street corner and a man will appear on the opposite corner holding up a sign that says “YOU WILL DRAIN MY NADS.” You are appalled at first but also secretly intrigued. If you can get past his habit of holding up lewd signs, you may find a soulmate.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- It’s always good to plan ahead but hold off on buying that wicker sectional with all the ottomans. The ottomans will be completely destroyed by a pack of wild dogs. You won’t be able to have them repaired. No one repairs wicker ottomans that have been torn apart by wild dogs.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- An estranged relative will come back into your life this week. She will want to sit outside on a sectional with some ottomans which is why it’s not a good idea to buy that sectional because then she would be attacked by wild dogs, as illustrated above. Virgo and Leo are aligned this week.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Get involved in a project this week. Volunteer to stand outside a grocery store or help clean-up an unsafe, drug-ravaged, derelict neighborhood. You’ll make a difference.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—No good news for Scorpions this week. Everything will fall apart or fold in on itself. Machines will break at your touch, blankets will deteriorate as they try desperately to envelop you. There will be no warmth and it will seem like an epoch before there is light again. You’re just going to have to take it. No lucky numbers this week although try 12. You never know.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

August 5, 2014 Leave a comment
Sheeba Incaviglia

Sheeba Incaviglia


LEO- (July 23/Aug 23)- Put on a happy face this week– you’ll meet a few new friends and maybe even a mysterious handsome visitor from out of town.  Change your outfits often– put on a large, unwieldy hat and then spin it off your head unexpectedly in social situations.  Be sure not to use your hands.

VIRGO- (Aug 24/Sept 22)- This is definitely not the day to go up against your boss.  If she’s wearing a pants-suit, it’s a double whammy.  It’s too easy to become possessed by an idea to the extent of being ruthless.  Be discreet if you decide to tamper with her car.

LIBIS- (Sept 23/Oct 23)- Your appreciation of beauty is wonderful this week.  Try to surround yourself with as much beauty as possible.  Yell, “I’m surrounding myself with beauty!” with as much zest as possible so that people in nearby shopping areas can hear and maybe be inspired.

SCORPIONS- (Oct 24/Nov 21)- Reaching high up on shelves this week is a bad idea.  It’s just as easy to knock over ten big bottles of soda as it is one.  They’ll explode when they hit the ground and a manager will have to be called.  Step back and try not to get involved.

SAGITTARIAN YES!- (Nov 22/Dec 21)- You might be so obsessed with an idea this week that it will put people off.  It could alienate someone close to you and it may be just enough to put that person (if he is a Libis, Virgo, or Tautus) right over the edge.  There would be no coming back then.

CANDY CORNS- (Dec 22/Jan 19)- If you need to borrow something from someone, this is the week to do it.  In fact, you can benefit greatly from all sorts of things that other people own. Watch people as they leave their homes.  A forgotten locked window could lead to opportunities!

AQUARIUMS- (Jan 20/Feb 18)- You’ll spot an ordinary personal ad in the paper that says “Welcome Back Shirley”.  Where do you think Shirley was?  Why do you think she returned?  Will she leave again?  It will all become clear.  Also, treat yourself.  Rent a limousine and have the guy drive you out to the airport and back.

PISCES- (Feb 19/Mar 20)- This week is the best time to completely bulldoze others into doing what you want them to do.  Your lover may not enjoy taking orders from you but you’ll eventually make him take it and like it.  Still, be sure to smile.

ARIES- (Mar 21/Apr 20)- You were bored by that really short dessert chef.  You never gave any thought to where you were going together.  This week will be different.  Things will suddenly open up, piles of money will suddenly roll in and fantasy will become reality (on top of the piles of money).

TAUTUS- (Apr 21/May 21)- That support undergarment you bought gets blown to hell and you will feel depressed and fat all week.  You’ll drift off into boring dreams of little blonde men walking around in poorly-decorated rooms.  Don’t answer phone calls.  Order some carry-out and split the meal over the course of two or three dark days.

GEMINUS- (May 22/Jun 21)- There’s a fanciful frenzy this week that threatens to lure you into madness.  Avoid this cautiously.  Watch out at work– a female colleague will get flustered easily over a minor problem and begin crying and cussing.  Just stay away.  Keep your inner soul intact.

CANCERS- (Jun 22/July 22)- It’s best for you to plan ahead and always know exactly what you’re doing every second of the day.  There will be love this week but it will slow and with some guy you don’t even really like that much.  End it quickly so that you can get back to the planning.

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

July 24, 2014 Leave a comment
Sheeba Incaviglia

Sheeba Incaviglia


LEO (July 23/Aug 23)– You’ll be wasting some time in the furniture department waiting for the pills to wear off and they’ll suddenly put out a plush recliner unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Buy it.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)– Wear bright colors today to get that extra attention you deserve. Still having second thoughts about entering that beauty pageant? You should put in your application now. You remember that traumatized fisherman that fell in love with that lounge singer? She dumped him. Could be time to swoop in.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)– At the time, you thought that guy you saw trying on all the different elastic jeans at the store was vain. Now, it might be time to offer yourself to him. He is waiting in the darkness.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)– A letter will arrive, smelling of lilacs. Don’t open it. In fact, you should drive it to the next state and leave it by an abandoned mill that appears near collapse. Then, apply for a loan. It will be approved.

SAGITTARIAN YES! (Nov 22/Dec 21)– At work, you put together a group of people to do a job. They fail miserably and a desk is overturned. That’s OK though because they were all islanders.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)– Don’t let snap misunderstandings become something bigger. End all discussion with a quick face slap and a small cup of soda purchased from a machine. Pay special attention to people with severe mental disorders– something will be revealed.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)– Be inquisitive today– knowledge is power. Ask a lot of unnecessary questions. Demand to speak to several managers. Now is the time to pull the trigger on that five-piece dinette set with the walnut top. Don’t forget the leaf. They sometimes “forget” to include the leaf.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)– Really best to stay in bed today. You can maybe sit up around lunchtime but don’t leave the room. Draw the curtains and turn on your window air conditioning unit even if it’s not at all hot in your specific area. Gaze at the hay-colored carpet. Definitely hold off on the pewter cross of ancient mystical symbols.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)– Have all the facts before saying yes to any money ventures. Think of yourself– other people may hate you because of your snobby, arrogant, self-confidence but that’s OK– it will pass. If it doesn’t pass, move on to the next month and just forget about it.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)– If you haven’t blown the ass out yet of those new dress pants, wear them to work. You’ll get a lot of compliments and maybe a few admirers. Pick up some bubble bath for yourself– the kind that has the amber waving fields of grain on the front for some reason. Eat dinner in the bathtub– you’ll need that tray you’ve been admiring first!

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)– You’ve always resisted camping but you might try it this weekend. Only 1/100 Lankville campers are murdered– take your chances! The afternoon will be brisk and require much of your attention. But there’s good TV on tonight so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)– Opportunities will require you to be in tip-top shape. Go work out at the gym and get some meat off those hips. The guys will like you better for it. Just don’t lose too much up front. You need to keep all that business up front.

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