Posts Tagged ‘Vitiello Decorative Hams’

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

December 4, 2014 Leave a comment
By Chris Vitiello

By Chris Vitiello

The year was 1979 and I was a young boy. There was a man in our village who, it was rumored, was pioneering a most fantastic invention and he invited me to see it.

In the back of his ill-kempt, failing general store, he provided me with a demonstration. From a wooden box, he produced what appeared to be an ordinary soccer ball. However, upon further inspection, I noticed a series of strange lines, numbers and letters printed in a small box on its surface. “But what is that?” I asked volubly. He had been rubbing the box in a methodical way upon my interruption. “Shut your goddamn hole or, by Jesus’ ghost, I will shut it for you,” he replied.

It was then that I learned the meaning of deference.

The ray will be read by this device and then transmitted to the green screen and the decorative hams.

The ray will be read by this device and then transmitted to the glowing green screen and, ultimately, each Vitiello decorative ham.

Finally, after what seemed an interminable period, he placed the soccer ball upon an ornamental wooden dais, carved with mysterious figures from antiquity and made haste to open a silver box which, at first glance, would appear to contain jewelry or perhaps toiletries for travel. Imagine my surprise, however, when a glowing green ray emerged from within, which the inventor handled with a strange protective glove. He ordered me to don a pair of darkened goggles and he did the same. He then aimed the ray in the direction of the soccer ball. I remained silent.

For some time, the ray seemed to penetrate the ball and ultimately its wave engulfed it entirely. During this odd procedure, the inventor brought forth a small screen– it appeared to be a television/radio combination with long antennae but I noticed that after some time, the screen shone with the same color as the ray and an ominous hum filled the chamber.

Finally, the ray began to flame out and then expire. The inventor then directed my attention to the glowing green screen. A single word suddenly appeared and the word was “ROUND”.

The inventor nodded approvingly and I was instantly struck by his genius.

My decorative hams all incorporate this same code. You need only take note of the underside of each, where you will find a similar series of lines and numbers and, if you possess the proper technology, you can run a ray across it at which time the word “MEAT” will appear on an applicable screen.

It is his legacy.

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

January 19, 2014 Leave a comment

By Chris Vitiello
File photo


Five years ago, at the advice of a now odious colleague, I opened “Hammy Land”, an amusement/theme park.  A decorative ham mascot “Hammy” was created and his smiling visage became a common sight on t-shirts, ballcaps and elastic limb bands in and around Lankville.  In its first two years of existence, “Hammy Land” netted nearly a billion (Lankville) dollars.

Hammy Land: Closed for "the Season".

Hammy Land: Closed for “the Season”.

The incident which I am about to describe took place a little before Easter of the third year.  Millions had gathered that holiday and we had created a special “crucifixion Hammy” cap that was flying off the shelves.  Our cramped, airless, basement restaurant was packed day and night and the “throwing fields” (pastures where decorative hams could be hurled for sport) were constantly engaged.  Late arrivals began complaining.  “We cannot get a room at Vitiello Restrained Hotels, we cannot get a table at the restaurant, we cannot get on any of the rides,” they would say in their collective nasal groan.  We had completely run out of crucifixion Hammy’s.

To our amazement, more vacationers continued to funnel in, even as the weekend approached its most welcome end.  The complaints became louder, somehow more desperate and my arm and shoulder became weary from the endless required whippings.  I remember the moment when I looked out over the filthy restaurant- the uncleared tables, the demanding throng still waiting in the lobby, the lost and crushed crucifixion Hammy hats on the fetid carpet.  “NO!” I suddenly announced.  Everything quieted.  “GET OUT VERMIN!” I shouted again.  Within minutes, I had a plan of action.  “Hammy Land” would be no more.  I removed immediately to my suite at the top of the hotel and gave instructions to a trusted coterie of administrators.  They were to close the gates and shut down all operations.  Lastly, they would let themselves out, leaving the keys.

The next morning, I walked the desolate and abandoned grounds.  Idiotic detritus was everywhere.  I tore down several homemade banners of Hammy on the cross.  I came upon the main entrance and let myself out.  I never looked back.

Two weeks later “Hammy Land” (at my command) was permanently shuttered.  I had contemplated annihilation but thought better of it.  Let it stand as a warning.  A warning that I will not be tested.

Weeds have grown over the gates.  It is still possible however to walk along the perimeter and occasionally find a clear view of the greying, fading restaurant or the paint-peeled roller coaster, its cars still in the middle of their last ride.  It is possible.  It is also possible that you will suddenly find yourself face to face with the owner of this ghost and that you will be whipped mercilessly for trespass.

It is best to remember Hammy Land in your mind.

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