Home > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

December 4, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Chris Vitiello

By Chris Vitiello

The year was 1979 and I was a young boy. There was a man in our village who, it was rumored, was pioneering a most fantastic invention and he invited me to see it.

In the back of his ill-kempt, failing general store, he provided me with a demonstration. From a wooden box, he produced what appeared to be an ordinary soccer ball. However, upon further inspection, I noticed a series of strange lines, numbers and letters printed in a small box on its surface. “But what is that?” I asked volubly. He had been rubbing the box in a methodical way upon my interruption. “Shut your goddamn hole or, by Jesus’ ghost, I will shut it for you,” he replied.

It was then that I learned the meaning of deference.

The ray will be read by this device and then transmitted to the green screen and the decorative hams.

The ray will be read by this device and then transmitted to the glowing green screen and, ultimately, each Vitiello decorative ham.

Finally, after what seemed an interminable period, he placed the soccer ball upon an ornamental wooden dais, carved with mysterious figures from antiquity and made haste to open a silver box which, at first glance, would appear to contain jewelry or perhaps toiletries for travel. Imagine my surprise, however, when a glowing green ray emerged from within, which the inventor handled with a strange protective glove. He ordered me to don a pair of darkened goggles and he did the same. He then aimed the ray in the direction of the soccer ball. I remained silent.

For some time, the ray seemed to penetrate the ball and ultimately its wave engulfed it entirely. During this odd procedure, the inventor brought forth a small screen– it appeared to be a television/radio combination with long antennae but I noticed that after some time, the screen shone with the same color as the ray and an ominous hum filled the chamber.

Finally, the ray began to flame out and then expire. The inventor then directed my attention to the glowing green screen. A single word suddenly appeared and the word was “ROUND”.

The inventor nodded approvingly and I was instantly struck by his genius.

My decorative hams all incorporate this same code. You need only take note of the underside of each, where you will find a similar series of lines and numbers and, if you possess the proper technology, you can run a ray across it at which time the word “MEAT” will appear on an applicable screen.

It is his legacy.

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