Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Death in My Walls

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Death in My Walls

January 22, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)
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It was a lovely morning in Outer Lankville.

I awoke early.  “Yup, yup,” I said to no one at all.  “Pecan waffles”.  I pushed aside the mound of dirty clothes and broken tools by my bedside.  A bucket of dried spackling paste tipped over and rolled across the parquet floor.”Yep, yep.  Pecan waffles,” I said again to no one.  The staircase was littered with o-rings, spent drill batteries and another bucket of dried spackling paste.  I kicked it hard against the wall.  “Yep, yep.  Yup, yup.  A hunk of ham.  I bet the good things in life outweigh the troubles we have.”  I made a mental note to write that down.Halfway down the staircase, I abruptly came to a stop.  I smelled death.”Death?” I said aloud to no one at all.  A queasy feeling came over me though I was still ravenously hungry.  The smell worsened.

I saw a shadow move quickly across the tall window in the front door.  Though frightened, I could not help but to think of mammoth bowls, filled to the brim with peanut butter candies.  Then I thought of ham again.  The smell became unbearable.

I moved downstairs to the phone.  “Yep, yep,” I said as I listened to the dial-tone.  A man picked up on the second ring.

“Yep, yep,” I said again.  “How’s your morning?  It’s a beautiful morning.”
“Yeah, guess it is,” said the man.  “What can I do for you?”
“This is The Great President of Hell”.
There was a pause.  “Oh yeah.  Sure.  I remember.”  The man coughed loudly.
“I smell death.  Yep, yep,”
“Where?” said the man, his curiosity piqued.  “In your walls?”
“In my walls, yep, yep.  Lace those boots up tight and make things happen.”
“I can be there around lunchtime.”

I crushed the receiver into the cradle.  The smell worsened.

There was death in my walls.

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