Home > 2012-13 Season, Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: My Time with Dwight

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: My Time with Dwight

February 2, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)
File photo

We had been sitting in lawn chairs for some time before Dwight finally looked up.

“Let’s go over to Chunktown.  You can get damn near anythin’ in Chunktown.”

I was afraid.  You heard a lot of bad things about Chunktown in those days.  Populated by foreign Chunk Islanders, all communication was transmitted through a series of grunts and hand signals. Misunderstandings were common.  That’s when you could get yourself killed.

“Um hmm.  You can damn near get anythin’ in Chunktown,” Dwight repeated.  He spit on himself accidentally but refused to clear it.  “Guns, drugs, babies, damn near anythin’.  They even got a Gelsinger’s French Toast on in there now.”

The famous nudity hall.  What went on in the back rooms was the stuff of legend.

We stole an ambulance and drove into Chunktown at a steady clip of about 100 MPH.  Dwight put the light and siren on intermittently for reasons unclear.  He chain-smoked.  Nothing was said.  We parked at a nearby hospital and began walking.  It was a particularly dark night.

You knew when you had entered Chunktown.  Suddenly, the sidewalks became cracked and broken and the storefronts lit but covered in cardboard.  There were no social conventions (intercourse could be seen everywhere)– the back of old cars being a popular spot.  “Look at this,” Dwight said, a gigantic smile appearing on his unshaven face.  You could tell that Dwight felt this to be perfectly acceptable.  Felt perhaps that this is how things should be.  “Let’s find that Gelsinger’s.  I got a wad here for’n that back room.”

Just then, someone appeared from a dark alley and shot Dwight in the stomach.  No explanation was given. “Too bad we don’t have that ambulance,” I said senselessly to myself.  I moved on.  He’d be alright.

I found Gelsinger’s.  Gelsinger himself was behind the counter.  “Back room?” he asked.

“What goes on there?”

Gelsinger pointed to a hand-written board above the counter.  “This is what we’re offering tonight.  I’d recommend the ass and hand.  Cheap but of good quality.”  He suddenly threw a plate of scrambled eggs into a nearby blanket.

“I…I can’t do it.”

“Well, it’s for the best, really,” Gelsinger replied.

I high-tailed it out of there.  And now I’m back at Dwight’s, waiting for his return.

  1. Benny Leaves
    February 2, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    I do have a small shop in Chunktown and it’s has always been alright.

  2. February 2, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    I offer a large assortment of cat-related crafts that you can purchase off the Internet. Paperweights, little clocks, napkin rings– we’ve got everything at Oleg’s.

  3. February 2, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Hey Leaves! I’m gonna kick your ass, you shit!

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