Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” Defeated in Boxing Debut

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Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” Defeated in Boxing Debut

February 5, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” was defeated last night in his boxing debut in the Teets Island Chain.

The executive (0-1-0), who had been training for several days, was knocked out in the first round by challenger Denny Barbies (11-21-3) at the Cape Hats Arena before a modest crowd of 41 spectators.

The following is Mr. Kitchens’ official report:

I sat with Inner Hammer in the bowels of the great Cape Hats Arena, waiting for word. It was a triple bill and Inner Hammer was to fight second. His manager, a little Teets Islander named Mincher, was upset over his fighter’s dinner– fried chicken, donuts and fruit punch. “You can’t win a fight with that shit on your stomach,” he kept saying, as he moved sullenly about the ill-lit room, chomping a cigar that was later revealed to be fake. “Sorry, boss,” Inner Hammer kept replying softly, as his hands were taped.

Finally, an attendant opened the door. “You’re up,” he said and Inner Hammer put on his robe– a strange garment with vertical stripes representing all the colors of the rainbow. “Christ, that’s gaudy,” old Mincher said. He was generally displeased with everything. “Gee, boss, sorry, I thought it was nice,” Inner Hammer responded. He looked down at the floor as we made our way up the ramps and into the arena.

I could see Barbies up there. He was a strange specimen– about 6’3 but with no bulk. I figured Inner Hammer had about 50 pounds on him. His manager appeared singularly disinterested.

Mincher gave his man a few words of advice and then the fighters met in the center of the ring for preliminaries. “You guys don’t have any firearms?” the referee asked, queerly. The answer being a confused “no”, the fighters were sent back to their corners. Then the bell rang.

Inner Hammer stumbled out of his corner with a strange, exaggerated crab walk and a series of little hops. No one could figure out why. Barbies, clearly confused, backed away towards the ropes. Inner Hammer lunged towards him and was caught with a quick, almost defensive uppercut. The rookie fell backwards onto the canvas. He was out cold.

Barbies, who had not won since 1997, was immediately declared the victor. They took Inner Hammer back to his chalet. He has refused all interview requests.

Categories: 2012-13 Season Tags: Fake News, Humor

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