Home > 2012-13 Season, Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Grocery Depository

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Grocery Depository

February 10, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer)
File photo

I put some gum in my mouth and violently pushed open the sliding glass doors.  The Grocery Depository* lay before me.  “Better get a clock out, cause the big man’s here” I said loudly, as I strode past the service desk.  “Yep, mark that down on your time sheets.”

I got a cart and filled it with pancake mixes and hot dogs.  “I don’t know what any of you are looking at,” I said to other customers, “but what I’m looking at is none other than a collection of people WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE.”  Then I turned over the cart.  Mix went everywhere.  I produced a woman’s wig from my coat and put it on.

The security guard came around.  He had a chubby pink face.

“What are you trying to pull?” he said.

“You have a little office?,” I asked.  I put more gum in my mouth.  “Because I would advise you to go back there, back to your little office.”  I stared straight through him, snapping the gum.

Everything broke down after that.

The next thing I remember is burying my head in a series of mollusk pillows.  A fire had been built and the carpet was an aged yellow color.  Laughing could be heard in the next room.  I was offered some sweet wine out of a child’s beach pail.

“You should look at the fountain that Clarence built,” someone offered.  I was led down a gravel driveway.  A tiled fountain sat at its entrance.  It was terrible, just a miserable idea, poorly-executed.  A statue depicting a nude cherub had been mounted in the middle.  A thin stream of water trickled out of its anus.  “Clarence hooked it up improperly,” someone admitted.  “Otherwise, it’s beautiful though.”  I could hear crying behind me but I dared not turn around.

Then, I was sitting in Warden Jenness’ office.  He had evidently been talking for some time and pointing to a document on the desk before me.  I focused.  Inmates are not permitted entrance into the kitchen.  I looked up.

“How many pancake mixes were lost?” I asked.

“Twenty, maybe twenty-five.”

I began screaming, then sobbing quietly.  I was led back to my cell.

*popular Lankville grocery chain

  1. February 10, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Hi. It’s the Dollar Bush. Really, really depressed today. I could barely bring myself to get out of bed– having to look yet again at that miserable color of paint on the walls, that miserable collection of (comment ended suddenly).

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