Home > 2012-13 Season, Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

February 11, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Chris Vitiello
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It overlooked my village on a steep hill of rocks and crags, accessible via a brush-choked driveway and a series of dilapidated staircases.  It had been the home of the Maldonado Brothers Seminary and for many years had provided great spiritual warmth for a few select pasty individuals.  But it had long since closed, fallen into shocking disrepair, been the site of vigorous and yet jejune coitus and then left forgotten.  I purchased the site three years ago.

There had been many mysterious fires– 246 by the realtor Gorcheck’s count.  “It became known as Fire Point,” he noted, as he kicked an errant piece of mortar into the woods.  I desired to whip him but remained calm.  “You’ll note that the building is a shell and that it is about to fall over,” he said, looking away.  “But the grounds are nice and you sure can’t beat the view of the valley.”

Gorcheck was right, on both counts.  The once-magnificent four story seminary had been utterly destroyed– only a skeleton remained.  A small outbuilding and various sheds sat surrounding, their doors open in a frank, almost sexual way.  But one could plainly see all of the valley and the village below, my hometown.

I wrote the realtor a check.  He was shocked.  “There is some paperwork, we can’t just…”  I pushed him into some leaves.  “Mind yourself, Mr. Gorcheck.  Mind yourself.”  My hand twitched over the hidden whip but I abstained.

I contracted to have the seminary demolished and several senseless quonset huts constructed.  “A fiery balloon crashed into the cliff,” the foreman told me over the phone after two weeks had passed.  “But otherwise things are progressing as outlined.”  There was something tentative about his lower class voice that made me both desire to whip him and to probe him further.  “It sounds as if there is something else,” I queried.  There was a long silence.  A noise like a basketball being shoved into a closet could be heard in the background.  Finally, he responded.

“We…well…many of the men believe that the site is damned.  It may be something that you need to see for yourself.”

I resented being called away from my decorative ham business but I made the trip to the great hill.

To be continued.

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