Home > 2012-13 Season, Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

February 17, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Chris Vitiello
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I took refuge in a train tunnel alcove.  The transmogrified passed quickly before me.  I could hear their strange, echoing grunts far down track.  Then they were gone.  I headed back the way I came in.

At the tunnel mouth, I noticed something queer in another alcove.  There was a little old man there, seated on a chair reading a modern paperback.  He was clad in a tan great coat, a dark regency vest and, for some reason, a white soft bonnet.  Upon my approach, he quickly removed the bonnet.

He stood up and put his hands on the long lapels of the great coat thereby affecting a rather stately look.

“Did you see the transmogrified?” I asked.

“Yes, yes I did,” he responded, in a gentle, grandfatherly way; I had only a slight desire to whip him.  “Spirits are reacting to your…your construction up there,” he said, waving disconsolately in the direction of Fire Point.

He had raised my ire.  “What concern is it of yours, old man?  It was my thirst to purchase this Godforsaken hill and I have quenched it with the building of quonset huts.  I could build even more, if I wish.”

He laughed.  “Oh, I would advise against that.”  His round eyeglasses somehow twinkled in the nigh-darkness.  “I know you, I remember you from the village,” he suddenly added.

I studied his face further.  He remained a stranger.

“No, it was long ago.  Your father and I once purchased a barrel together.  55 gallons– it was a beauty.  But we argued constantly over it.  I wanted to fill the barrel with this, he wanted to fill the barrel with that.  There were over twelve fistfights.  Finally, one sodden night, your father dumped the barrel into the river.  It was a good thing, too, because it had been my intent to kill him, chop him up and send his remains down the river in that very barrel so…”  He trailed off.

“What point are you trying to emphasize, you codger?”

“Actually, my very reason for purchasing the barrel was to dispose of remains….and perhaps…if someone needed sauces…or…”  He trailed off again.

I left him.  I was resolved to conquer Fire Point.

  1. BARRELS BARRELS BARRELS
    February 17, 2013 at 7:39 am

    NOBOBY IN LANKVILLE EVER WILL HAVE MORE BARRELS THAN BARRELS BARRELS BARRELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE 15 LOCATIONS. THERE ARE SO MANY BARRELS IN EVERY ONE. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE ELSE. DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE EVERYTHING– THERE SHOULD BE NO REASON, I REPEAT, NO REASON TO EVER GO ANYWHERE EXCEPT FOR BARRELS BARRELS BARRELS!

    (We’ll be watching)

  2. Ray Coons
    February 17, 2013 at 7:44 am

    I went to Barrels Barrels Barrels once. I wanted a simple barrel. I was treated very rudely. My barrel was simply rolled out the door and into the parking lot. And because Barrels Barrels Barrels is built at the top of a slight incline, my barrel went rolling away down towards a Royer Automat. It crashed into some cars in their parking lot. Grade: F

    • BARRELS BARRELS BARRELS
      February 17, 2013 at 7:48 am

      We at BARRELS BARRELS BARRELS are sorry to hear about Mr. Coons’ bad experience at one of our stores. We are also sorry to hear that he just died. RIP Mr. Coons.

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