Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Two for the Road

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Two for the Road

By Ric Royer
File photo

For reasons entirely unclear to me, I suddenly purchased a three-bedroom rancher and married an airline stewardess.  She wore way too much makeup and had no interests whatsoever outside of television but I immediately proposed anyway.  I bought her a gigantic diamond ring at her request.

A truck delivered a series of overstuffed grey sofas and recliners and a gaudy bedroom set.  Carpet was installed.  She fretted over that.  When I once dropped a tureen of syrup-soaked pancakes, I was banished to the garage for nearly two days.

I took a job in an office.  There were some binders on shelves and two stand-up file cabinets but I never fooled with them.  There was a little phone and a tape recorder and, for no good reason at all, I set both on fire.  They let me go that evening.

The stewardess was gone then, away on an overnight flight to the Depths.  I came home and sat in one of the grey recliners.  The set, a gigantic wood-enclosed monstrosity with a mysterious blue glow, transmitted forth a series of programs.  I would catch only pieces of them– there was something about some little yellow tickets that were being handed out.  If you got one, you could go to a picnic in a courtyard.  It was all a big to-do.  That one went off and something else came on about giant cardboard boxes filled with electronics.

I went down the hall to the bedroom and opened the closet door.  I looked at the stewardess’ clothes.  Bunch of grey pantsuits.  I had no idea.  I pushed them all to one end of the rod and noticed two round holes in the drywall.  “Two for the road,” I said senselessly.  “Two for the road.”

They were.

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