Home > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

By Chris Vitiello
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My first automobile was a 1978 Neptune Conquest which I purchased myself from funds accrued working summer night shifts at a rural lumber yard.  It was orange with an exceedingly flat hatchback, bronze colored rims and a deep chasm in the dash where a glove box had once been.  “We took the glovebox out years ago,” said the yokel, who had left the vehicle exposed to the elements in a field of alfalfa.  “My wife, who is dead, would not stand for it.  She was not one for hidden compartments.”  He spit and then ate a pickle which he produced from his pocket.  “But she is dead now and we forded a river to take her home.”

I could no longer tolerate him.  “Take the money,” I said, as the fury mounted.  “Help me get this to the road.”

A few hours later, I pulled into a popular area taco stand.  Though I later taught myself impenetrable methods of self-control, at that time I was young and concupiscent.  I leaned against the car and some girls came up in short dungarees, rolled up in-line with the panties.

“Got a new car, Chris?” said one, a brunette named Shelley with large aviator glasses that I knew instantly to be fake.  “It’s got a flat back.  Flattest I’ve ever seen.”  She was aroused.

“It’s a 1978 Neptune Conquest,” I said, hating myself for it.  But it immediately impressed them all as I knew it would.

“Let’s take a ride,” said Shelley.  “Do you know Twin Carnal Trees Drive-In?  They’re showing Thergos 2015 tonight.  It’s erotic.”

And so it was.  A pornographic drive-in theatre nestled in a shallow grove and Shelley’s hand down my fashionable gym shorts.  I leaned back and looked up at the dome light.  It was cracked.  I silently cursed the yokel.  I reached down and attempted to move the seat back.  It wouldn’t budge.  Nor would it incline.  I would get even.

I focused on the film.  There was a man dressed like a clown in a dirt clearing and some shabby wooden structures that looked like deer blinds.  Suddenly, there would be an unannounced oral scene.  It was very confusing.  But I moved like the actor and before long there was climax.  Shelley asked for a napkin.

“There are only thin ones,” I noted.  “Even when stacked together, they provide little in the way of absorbency,” I added.

We watched the rest of the film in silence.

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