Home > 2012-13 Season > Royer Uses Strange Foreign Machine to Soil Van with Sugar

Royer Uses Strange Foreign Machine to Soil Van with Sugar

July 19, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
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Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer has soiled his recently-repaired van with a foreign powdered sugar machine that was delivered this morning to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.

“I don’t know why we let him do that,” said Warden Jenness, who was supervising the vast clean-up.  “This crazy gigantic machine arrived this morning in about five separate boxes.  We tried to move them into the hall but [Royer] came out of nowhere and kicked one of our college interns in the face about five times really fast.  Then, he pushed the boxes himself over towards the van and started ripping them apart.  The next thing I know, he’s got this ridiculously huge contraption set up and he moves this big outtake pipe over to the van’s cab and just shoots the damn thing full of powdered sugar.  Then he went back to his room.”

“We’ve got a real mess here,” noted a cleaner, who refused to be identified and was later kicked in the face by Royer.

“Yes, the machine was foreign,” Royer answered when questioned.  “It comes from a land-locked nation whose name I cannot pronounce.  It’s very far from here.  It’s illegal in Lankville.”

When asked why he wanted the machine, Royer quickly explained.

“This machine has a specific crushing hammer and sieve for finer grinding.  I elected to go with the double-head version which produces between 2,600 and 3,300 pounds per hour, unheard of in Lankville.  There is a vibrating passage which leads to the outtake mechanism.  It’s important to have a large canister to catch the product.”

When asked why he did not have such a canister and instead sprayed sugar all over his van’s interior, Royer became confused.

“It’s all a question of where the fried dough is, Bernie,” he said, his voice betraying much consternation.  “No need to engage in any of your tricks at my expense.”

The exterior of the van, damaged in a recent accident, has been repaired.  Cleaners expected the cab to be cleaned by evening.

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