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Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston

By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
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Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.

There are some men who are unable to feel.

I met such a man once in a basement.  He was angry over the presence of some dung beetles and he set about murdering them with a hammer.  I said, “these are specimens from Our Creator, whoever he or she may be.  Do not destroy them.  Embrace them.”  “Go sit in that yellow chair and wait,” he said.  I did but I wasn’t particularly pleased with the situation.  It suddenly grew dark.  With each hammer blow, I felt my soul weeping.

It’s important to massage your soul.  This can be done with some wet towels though I don’t recommend a self-application.  Treat yourself for just $39.99 to a “Thurston Soul Rolfing”.  While you’re here, you can look over some of my other items.  Pair of roller skates, size 9, $19.99, a ream of vellum paper, $15.99.  There’s a whole bunch of stuff here.

I’ll light some candles and darken the room.  The room is already dark anyway because of those thick glass blocks that prevent the theft of electronics and collectibles but I’ll still darken the room and also put on some prearranged tapes of the sound of it raining out.  These are $5.99 each, now on special.

Then, I’ll thoroughly explain the soul massage.  It’s not painful– it’s beautiful and even sensuous.  If you want it to be.  You need to let me know beforehand.

Your soul cleansed, you will walk out onto the street a new man (or woman, but you need to let me know beforehand).  You’ll see things differently.  Your aura will be your own protective and yet welcoming bubble of floating, moving spirituality.  The spirituality moves like magnified cells or sperm– moving, moving, moving, continuing to cleanse everything and all.

Call now.  We do not accept insurances but will be happy to look at your card.

  1. Life Lessons Funeral Home
    July 22, 2013 at 10:56 am

    It’s hard to know when things are real or not. But you’ll know with death. And then you’ll need to contact Eddie or Stummins at Lankville Business 5-2118.

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