Home > Sports > Anthropomorphic “Fixin’s” Bar is New Pizzas Mascot

Anthropomorphic “Fixin’s” Bar is New Pizzas Mascot

September 3, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo

An anthropomorphic “fixin’s” bar with eyes and a mouth was unveiled today as the new Small Pizzas hockey club mascot, sources are now reporting.

The mascot, known as “Fixin’s”, was instantly popular with the few fans invited to attend the ceremony.

“I loved him.  I thought he was great,” said a fan who was later revealed to be a blathering idiot.  “He had little containers with sauces, pepperonis, different cheeses, veggies– oh, it was just great.  JUST GREAT.”

The fan continued his incessant nattering and the weather outside grew dark and bleak and the atmosphere in the stifling conference room was heavy with something grim and unmentionable.  At the suggestion of authorities, we slowly got the idiot into an elevator, rode down with him as the machine grumbled unwillingly, walked with him outside, feigning interest under deeply forbidding skies and lured him into an unfinished housing community where we were finally able to brain him with some two by fours.

It was a long process after that.  Hail, the size of bottles, commenced falling and we could feel the anger of a maniacal god.  We raced on towards something unseen, towards something unknown, through deep, thick-walled cellars in ancient houses.  We chained ourselves to the stone walls, threw dirt in each other’s faces, trying desperately to excise the demons.  There was no hope for us, though.  We knew it.

When we returned to ground level we could see a redness in the air like nothing that had ever been before.  Someone mentioned that ancient dead races had once spoken of this red but we no longer had computers, nor libraries– only our memories and these grew fainter by the minute.  It was a harried time out there in the red woods. We felt the ground to be soaked in blood.  We saw the monolith.

We are still wandering.

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