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Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

September 6, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
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I warmed up the case of frozen burritos (beef), then drove out to the truck stop and picked up a couple of 2-liter bottles of Diet Crystals Drink.  Then I drove over to the co-ed dorm.

It was a depressing three-floor walkup made of stucco– very little in the way of adornment.  Bunch of nurses lived there.  They had left their trash cans lying in the mud with the lids off– the effect was frank and startling.  I parked in the rear behind a beveled hedge and unpacked my binoculars from their spongy, springy case.  I glassed the upper floor first as it was lighted.  A couple of girls in bra and panties having a pillow fight. I consumed an entire burrito without even being aware of it.

I glassed the next window.  Petite blonde, in bra and panties, dressing before an antique wardrobe.  She put on a white T-shirt that read, “BRING US YOUR PEOPLE!”  I wolfed down a second burrito and chased it with half the bottle of Diet Crystals Drink.  I thought of tits made moist by a hose.

I made my way quickly across the gravel back lot.  There was a fire escape there and as I reached for the ladder, I was viciously tackled from behind and pinned to the ground.  I saw a squat, doughy Islander off in the distance, running slowly down a side street clutching a sheet of looseleaf.  My hands were cuffed behind me and I was lifted to my feet and thrown into an anonymous white van.

Hours later the van stopped in a thick wooded area.  I was led to an execution site and made to lean down.  There was a horrific noise, a loud, deafening clatter.  I heard a man say, “Hey Pete!  Those are those short to the ground wild dogs that travel in packs of one hundred.  We don’t want to be out here.”  They took a couple of half-hearted shots at my head– then ran off.  I heard the van peal out of the gravel drive.

I headed back to the road.  There was a strange black ooze that seemed to be following me but I made a couple of feints and avoided it.

Several hours passed.  I came to a roadside diner that wasn’t open.  I went around to the back and kicked the door in.  There was a girl back there, sitting on a derelict sofa and watching some black and white instructional films.  She didn’t even look up.

I became transfixed by the films.  They showed a man in a paper hat, delicately placing strips of paper into tiny envelopes, then sealing them with an enormous machine.  He smiled unfailingly throughout.  Then I was tackled from behind and shoved to the cold concrete floor.  They dragged me outside into  very early morning light.  I was strapped into the trunk of a car.  I blacked out.

The next thing I remember was a hospital room.  An ugly nurse stood over me.  That was the beginning of my odyssey.

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