Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

September 20, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo

The little Islander motioned me to a booth, upholstered in red vinyl.  There was no else in the place and half the lights were out.  I vomited into a basket of children’s magazines.

After awhile, he brought me some bullshit on a plate with a couple of crisped rolls.  I was about halfway through the damn thing before I realized that I had no money.  I motioned the little Islander over.

He was so angry, he grabbed the crisped rolls and crushed them into the carpet with his boot.  Then, the lights went out.  I got the hell out of there.

When I woke up, I was in an abandoned gas station in the desert.  From across the canyon, I could see the slow, lumbering approach of a creature that was half rhinoceros and half camel.  It also had an enormous tusk that was bent awkwardly to one side.  I noticed then that there was another bum lying there, beneath a soiled chenille bedspread.  “You’re in Gila Flats, asshole,” he said.  “Better get the fuck used to it.”

I made my way across the gorge.  When I looked back, I saw the monster tip over one of the gas pumps.  There was a small explosion, then a bigger one.  Then there was a colossal explosion, way out of proportion to the others.  I took heed of the old bum’s warning.

Much later, I was able to flag down a red station wagon full of foreign tourists.  They spoke a language that was utterly unfamiliar.  One of them had a color postcard of a gas station.  “It’s gone,” I said.  “It exploded.  I saw it all.”  It was no use though.  The guy just smiled and stared out the window.

They dropped me at a hotel that had an emptied swimming pool.  I kicked in the door to number 13 and found it unoccupied.  I had a bath and then watched some fundraising telethon on TV.  There was a naked guy running around putting his head in bowls of spaghetti.  I couldn’t make it out.

When I awoke, it was dark out.  I figured now was the time to try to make it to Lankville City.

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