Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari

Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari

January 23, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ric Royer

It first appeared in a Pots Barn. I was standing in front of the Christmas tree ornament display. At my side was a shopping bucket. I had already filled the bucket halfway with several German glitter mercury glass teddy bears and Santa Claus heads. There were so many piled in haphazardly, in fact, that many had broken. But I was flush. I could afford it.

I had just placed my hand on a wondrous Red Strobe Onion Glass ornament when the display suddenly disappeared before my eyes. And in its place, was the famous Van Golu Canavari. I was face to face with its evil.

Some people think that the Van Golu Canavari looks like this.

It was as reported by the Torks of the East. Fifteen meters long with spikes on its back, a primordial sort of monster, fresh out of its lake. The Pots Barn floor became puddly but no customers seemed to notice. The tail of the great beast knocked over a lovely stacked crystal floor lamp that I had been planning to buy and its spikes tore into several wool jacquard pillow covers. My body quaked a little.

Then the monster spoke, in Torkish. It was a long, long explanation of some sort.

“I don’t speak that nonsense,” I said cockily. I put some gum in my mouth as is my wont.

The beast reflected. Then, it spoke again, this time in perfect English.

“You must tell the teaching assistants to stop coming to the lake, stop trying to make their films and write their dissertations. They should stop speculating as to why I swim straight in the lake, rather than curving through the water. They should stop asking why I sun myself on that rock.”

There was a long pause.

“I think you should ask if they have another of those lamps in the back,” the creature advised. “It would go well in your parlor. Next to that media stand with the shuttered doors that you’re using as a hat stand.”

“My hat place,” I corrected.

The creature eyed me suspiciously. I stopped chewing the gum. I was no match and he knew it.

And then he disappeared. The display of ornaments was before me.

I ended up spending over seven thousand dollars.

Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback

No comments yet.

No trackbacks yet.

FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

	Jade Gorman on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Samways and Fick: Identity…
	oversion on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Bath Times with My Father Gump…
	Life Lessons Funeral… on Son of Tibbs

The Lankville Daily News