Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari

January 23, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ric Royer

It first appeared in a Pots Barn. I was standing in front of the Christmas tree ornament display. At my side was a shopping bucket. I had already filled the bucket halfway with several German glitter mercury glass teddy bears and Santa Claus heads. There were so many piled in haphazardly, in fact, that many had broken. But I was flush. I could afford it.

I had just placed my hand on a wondrous Red Strobe Onion Glass ornament when the display suddenly disappeared before my eyes. And in its place, was the famous Van Golu Canavari. I was face to face with its evil.

Some people think that the Van Golu Canavari looks like this.

Some people think that the Van Golu Canavari looks like this.

It was as reported by the Torks of the East. Fifteen meters long with spikes on its back, a primordial sort of monster, fresh out of its lake. The Pots Barn floor became puddly but no customers seemed to notice. The tail of the great beast knocked over a lovely stacked crystal floor lamp that I had been planning to buy and its spikes tore into several wool jacquard pillow covers. My body quaked a little.

Then the monster spoke, in Torkish. It was a long, long explanation of some sort.

“I don’t speak that nonsense,” I said cockily. I put some gum in my mouth as is my wont.

The beast reflected. Then, it spoke again, this time in perfect English.

“You must tell the teaching assistants to stop coming to the lake, stop trying to make their films and write their dissertations. They should stop speculating as to why I swim straight in the lake, rather than curving through the water. They should stop asking why I sun myself on that rock.”

There was a long pause.

“I think you should ask if they have another of those lamps in the back,” the creature advised. “It would go well in your parlor. Next to that media stand with the shuttered doors that you’re using as a hat stand.”

“My hat place,” I corrected.

The creature eyed me suspiciously. I stopped chewing the gum. I was no match and he knew it.

And then he disappeared. The display of ornaments was before me.

I ended up spending over seven thousand dollars.

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