Home > Real Life Cases > The Final Days of Shane Meyer: AN EXCLUSIVE

The Final Days of Shane Meyer: AN EXCLUSIVE

January 28, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
Detective Gee-Temple in evening dress.

Detective Gee-Temple, lead investigator on the Meyer case, located the diary.

The Lankville Table-Sized Intelligencer of Things That Happen in Reality is pleased to present an exclusive glimpse at the diary of Lankville fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer– found intact amongst the rubble of his charred gas station tire house, which went up in flames in late August. Although Meyer’s body was never found, he is believed to have perished in the conflagration. WARNING: These passages may be offensive to certain readers.

8/11– Purchased some engine lead additive in a quart bottle and drank it inside the tire house. Threw up and then passed out.

8/12– Paid a hooker to blow me (inside the tire house). She had no teeth and it was not pleasurable. Later, read half of Theodore Deeker’s lesser early novel Buds of Cups, drank some antifreeze and orange juice and threw up and passed out. Woke up around 2AM and cleaned up the floor of the tire house.

8/13– Finished off the Deeker. Enjoyed it. Later, pitched it down a sewer. Purchased a copy of Jorkens’ 1872 arabesque Peeps, PEEPS! Found it tawdry and excessive. Part of the tire house fell over later in the afternoon when a drunk slammed his car into it. I challenged him to a fight with knives in the woods and won. Later, I fixed up some beer and paint thinner. Passed out.

Meyer family, 1982.  Shane is pictured second from right.

Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.

8/14– Pushed the Jorkens into a church mailbox. Stood outside to listen to the bells summon the morning, then urinated where I stood. Purchased a new pair of cut-offs and a copy of Danius Zubrus’ new novel Trying on Sunglasses with Girls. It’s terrible– it’s no wonder that teenagers are such assholes. I threw it into a busy intersection. I went to bed with some furniture polish and box wine.

8/15– Did not wake up today.

8/16– Stalked around the main drag, looking for a novel and some cooz. The latter was unexciting. Later, found a copy of Beeb’s 1917 war classic The Men of the Hole. Finished it off in the tire house while drinking from an old bleach container I found in the garbage. Mixed up the rest of the paint thinner and a can of malt liquor. Passed out.

8/17– Someone took the bleach container and the Beeb novel and kicked over part of the western tire wall. Repaired it, wandered over and talked to the Hindu gas station clerk. He gave me a 6-pack of small donuts. I ate the donuts, then felt aggressive for some reason. “I ain’t no charity case, bindass,” I said. I threw the wrapper at him but, it being quite light, it drifted in the air and settled on the counter. I overturned the gum display and walked out. Found a copy of Kood’s 1982 thriller The Dragon and the Mall Entrance. Found it overrated. Went to bed with some alkalies and cognac. Passed out.

8/18– Did not wake up for two straight days.

8/20– Started a small, contained fire in the tire house to keep the fruit flies out. Got too hot around noon. Apologized to the Hindu, who accepted. Still, I find myself wanting to kick his face in. Finished the Kood and took it up to a roof where I pitched it into an alley. Someone came out of the shadows immediately and ran off with it. Later, stole a copy of The Pizza Encyclopedia (3 volumes) from Mario’s. It’s very dated but read through half of the first volume. Mixed up some beer, porch stain, and concrete sealer, threw up and passed out.

During the evening or early morning of 8/20, 8/21, the tire house exploded and caught on fire. Meyer has not been seen or heard from since. His club, the Sharks disbanded shortly thereafter.

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