Home > Flying Saucers Today! > Flying Saucers Today! ABDUCTION, 2014

Flying Saucers Today! ABDUCTION, 2014

Graahaam Fosdick

By Graahaam Fosdick

Five minutes ago, I said goodnight to Terry, the office girl (and occasional lover), who all day saucershas been busy answering angry, threatening letters from folks who have ordered the Graahaam Fosdick Book, “FROM OUTER SPACE TO YOUR YARD”, and are wondering when they will receive it. They won’t receive it, of course, since we’ve been advertising a book that I have no intention of ever writing but by that time I will have switched offices. Anyway, my point really is that today Terry received a rather unusual letter. It was from a man who called himself “AN AGGRIEVED SAUCERER” and bore a postmark from the Southern Lankville Plains.

“Dear Mr. Fosdicks [sic],” the letter began. “They’ve found the two women. They were in a deep creek just the other side of the Vitiello Decorative Ham factory. The police are saying that the women were driving their late model Tippett and that it skidded off the road and into the river. However, it was not a Tippett that the women were driving, Mr. Fosdicks. It was a saucer.”

I dropped the letter. Terry bent to pick it up and her round behind bumped into my groin and some funny business ensued. But after that, we examined the letter again.

“These women are not the only ones,” I commented, as I retrieved my pants which had somehow ended up on top of the window dressing. “After all, there HAD been the case of Olive Kernels, who I spent a great deal of time tracking down. Ms. Kernels, in December of 1889, went out to the well for a bucket of water and never returned. It was clearly a case of a saucer abduction.”

Terry made some notes.

“I think we should go over to the river,” I decided. “I am concerned about the Case of the Two Women.” I asked Terry to take note of that title.

We made it over in record time. I was disappointed to see that the wreckage had been cleared away.

A guard was standing along the banks languidly. He tried to stop us.

“I’m Graahaam Fosdick,” I stated forcefully. “Editor of Flying Saucers Today!. Where are the bodies?”

“Down at the morgue,” he said. “But you can’t…”

I knocked him flat on his ass. This was too important a case. I’d pay for it later, I knew– I had some friends on the Police Auxiliary, after all.

I told Terry to drive and made some notes on some scrap paper. I pretended to be so engrossed by my work that I failed to notice a pen falling out of my shirt and landing in my lap. Terry, ever efficient, went to remove it. Some funny business started again then and we ended up getting a hotel for the rest of the night.

But the next morning, I showed up at the morgue. O’Talbot was there and he let me see the bodies.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking Fosdicks [sic],” he said. “Look at the damage to their skulls for Chrissakes. Look at the hunks of broken windshield sticking out of their foreheads. Look at the mark left by the steering wheel on the driver. This wasn’t any kind of abduction– it’s plain to any idiot that it was a run-of-the-mill, everyday car accident.”

“What’s Pondicherry saying?” I asked. I stared him down.

“Pondicherry? What the hell does he care?”

“Exactly.” He started to speak but then he thought better of it and shut the hell up.

Terry was waiting for me in the parking lot. “I called his bluff,” I told her. “They’ve not been successful in silencing all witnesses and sources of information. So much of this is of a startling nature. But I’m ready to call it. It’s an abduction. First one of 2014.”

Terry nodded. Man, I was ready to get all over that again.

It’d have to wait.

The world had to know first.

  1. Judge Socquettes
    March 12, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    I can’t believe I just baked a cake and ate half of it. What a delight it was though!

  2. Guerrero Slomax
    March 12, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    Dropped a pen this morning myself. Wound up getting jammed into my cornhole somehow and I had to go to the hospital and see Dr. Jonk about it. Damn thing is still in there.

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