Vitiello Introduces Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig
By Lance Pepsid, Special Fashion Correspondent
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. announced today that they will begin selling decorative slow-roasted pigs in time for Summer, 2014.
“We have accomplished everything we hoped to accomplish with the Decorative Ham and it is now time to move on to the decorative slow-roasted pig,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello, who gave a short press conference clad in flowing white robes with two braided whips wound around each shoulder. “You may transmit this information to your whorish readers in whatever manner you see fit.”
Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig (prototype)
Later, Vitiello sat down with Lankville Daily News fashion correspondent Lance Pepsid.
CV: It is one of the great wonders of our day, Mr. Pepsid, that you continue to be dispatched to cover stories for which you are shamelessly ill-suited.
LP: Tell us about the decorative slow-roasted pigs– will they be available for the BBQ season?
CV: When is the BBQ season exactly, Mr. Pepsid. Can you mark that on any earthly calendar?
LP: Well, how they can be utilized in the backyard…
CV: Let’s make something clear, Mr. Pepsid. Use of a Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig in an outdoor setting requires further permits that be very difficult to acquire. A Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig is ideally suited for the living room. That is the room for which it was designed.
LP: It seems like it would be nice for outdoors…
CV: Are you questioning the intent of the designer, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: Let’s move on. How much do they cost?
CV: Cost should never be a consideration when purchasing an item from Vitiello Decorative Hams. People with such concerns should frequent those shuddersome dollar stores that continue to be a blight on our landscape and which profess to sell oriental rugs for $20 (Lankville).
LP: I’m sure people would like an estimate.
CV: Move your chair towards the wall Mr. Pepsid.
Pepsid was whipped mercilessly.
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