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The Electronics Cranny: New Products!

By Fritz Tennis Electronics Expert

By Fritz Tennis Electronics Expert

New Products

MARINE RADIOTELEPHONE from Applied Restrained Electronics, Inc.

A new marine radiotelephone (No. 21) made by the Applied Restrained Electronics Company of the Deep Lankville Savannah Suburban Area (West) has been released. “It incorporates a four-channel, crystal-controlled transmitter in combination with a tuneable broadcast and 3 to 4 mc. receiver,” noted A.R.E. executive Donnie Shay, who was interviewed after emerging from an “adult bookstore”.  “It’s designed for the layman to be able to call boats. It’s real easy, almost foolproof because of the press-to-talk button feature,” Shay added.

“I’d rate it a 3 out of 5,” said Dr. Harold Zahl, noted electronics expert. “It’s true that you can call boats, which is nice. But the marine band becomes less relevant with each passing day. You listen to the Island Coasts Guards basically. And a lot of times, it’s either prerecorded samples of those little marches they like or just pure, unadulterated filth. The Island Coasts Guards are famous for just endless streams of lewd pointless filth,” concluded Zahl.

RADIOACTIVITY CHECKER from The Tubelabs Company


The Tubelabs Company of the Lankville Peninsula has released yet another radioactivity checker for use in schools. Included with the checker are glass tubes and special wire-attached “Probers” which allow for better portability. The checker is capable of detecting gamma rays, high energy beta rays and halved container (c.) rays.

Local science teacher Mr. McClendon did not mince words. “It’s a big ass,” noted McClendon, who was wearing a short-sleeved white button-up shirt. “It is not capable of teaching kids anything at all and the lights don’t even turn on so I can’t even use that as a distraction for twenty minutes or so. It’s a big, giant ass. I hate it.”  Experts seem to concur.  “I took it into an area heavy on radioactivity– right over by Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena where they let off those nuclear bombs,” said Neil Cuppy, columnist for The Electronics Cranny.  “It didn’t register a thing.  But then, when I carried it into a darkly-lit burrito joint, it started beeping like crazy.  Granted, the burrito joint was a mistake– there were only four booths, for example, and people were making out in two of them.  The burritos were hard, half-frozen in the middle.  One of the worst meals I’ve ever had.  Still, there should have been no radioactivity there and, thus, I think the machine is faulty,” Cuppy concluded.

PRECISION BOBBINS from the Great Eastern Bobbins Concern


Lauded as the greatest bobbin to yet hit the market, the Great Eastern Bobbins concern founder John Kidd states, “coil performance and the quality of the bobbin that you use are inseparable. “These bobbins feature low moisture absorption, swagged tube ends and are great space savers. They always will remain intact even if they are somehow involved in the most violent of challenges. We believe in them.”

Experts don’t. Says Dr. Ed Hearns, “I wouldn’t use these. They may be fine for the limp sort of fellow who’s just sitting around in his basement or garage late at night, probably drunk, probably a little fat, a little undersexed. These are alright for that guy. But for the expert, no.” Hearns picked one of the Precision Bobbins up as though he were carefully removing an errant hunk of excrement. “No, these…I mean, look at the winding area, look at the poor sizing, the lack of shape options– all you get are squares.  No, no, these won’t do.”.

We hope this week’s episode of “New Products” will give you an idea of the exciting new options out there in the field of electronics. Look for further articles in future issues of The Lankville Daily News”!

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