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This Week in Lankville

Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney

ROYER COMMITTED TO INSANE ASYLUM

Business magnate Ric Royer has been committed to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, sources are now confirming.

A Lankville Daily News photographer snapped this image of Royer last night at the opening of a new zoo.

A Lankville Daily News photographer snapped this image of Royer last night at the opening of a new zoo.

Royer, who last night was photographed during the cutting of a ribbon at a new zoo, was clad in an outlandish costume and appeared to have painted his teeth green. During the reception, Royer consumed an entire cake while holding a gigantic pneumatic roof and lathing stapler and pointing it jokingly at various guests.  He then consented to a brief interview with The News.

 

KC: Do you like this zoo?

RR: I am working to accelerate the ecstasy.  To merge and to meet the infinitely vast.  That is what we must strive for. Also, I would like to know is when my cardboard tureen of fountain soda will be showing up.  I can’t even begin to answer your strange questions without it.”

KC(probing):  Do you like this zoo?

RR: So far, I haven’t seen any kind of offer that would satisfy me. Not like that cake I just had.

Royer then suddenly fell down and his handlers immediately made the decision to commit the enigmatic executive.

PRESIDENT EMERGES SCREAMING FROM PILE OF GIRLY PILLOWS

President Pondicherry has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred this morning at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company Presidential Palace. He is expected to fully recover.

Around 4 a.m., Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the chief executive. “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first officer on the scene. “They were not the type of pillows I would imagine an older man buying,” added the intrepid detective.

Interviews were conducted with several “lower-class” working people throughout the Palace but nothing untoward was discovered.

The President is expected to be released later today.

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