Home > 2012-13 Season, Lankville Action News: YES! > Correspondent: Royer Digs Many Pointless Holes; Collapses on Box of Irregular Jeans

Correspondent: Royer Digs Many Pointless Holes; Collapses on Box of Irregular Jeans

October 26, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Don W. Coneman

By Don W. Coneman

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

From our Pyramid Area Correspondent Don W. Coneman in the Valley of the Small Kings, Outer Lankville:

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, temporarily released from an area hospital, has been seen in the Valley of the Small Kings this past week, digging many large, pointless holes, sources are confirming. Yesterday, at a local market, the executive was found collapsed on a box of irregular jeans. His current whereabouts are unknown.

Locals have been mystified all week by the strange figure of Royer who is evidently wearing a large fake beard, rouge, eye-shadow and lipstick in an attempt to mask his identity.

Archaeologist Lee “Boom-Boom” Goldblatt has equally been flummoxed by Royer’s strange methods. “Well, all he had all week was a tiny little garden shovel, a lawnmower, and some tomato cages. He generally got tired after an hour or two of fruitless searching and had a handler drive him back to his room at the Magnanimous Boys’ Horn of Comfy Hotel.”

Royer: Pyramid Problems

Royer: Pyramid Problems

Earlier in the week, Royer maintained he was “making great progress.”

“I feel great,” noted Royer, who paused to dump a child’s bucket of sand into a wagon. “It doesn’t matter that there are a surfeit of feckless corncobbers that surround these pyramids– the Creator has seen fit to put them here.” The enigmatic owner looked on disapprovingly as a native family crossed the desert on the back of a camel. “Imagine the moment when I open up the tombs and discover every mystery of civilization,” he added.  “As it says in the ancient texts, the rocks of the earth will fold inward and we will crawl onto an axial plane,” the executive added after a moment’s reflection.

One of Royer’s handlers, who refused to be identified, gave a short statement as to the circumstances of the market incident yesterday.

“[Mr. Royer] disappeared from his room at the Horn of Comfy Hotel early in the morning while some of his wait-staff were asleep or otherwise distracted cleaning up a terrible mess at the foot of his bed.  [Mr. Royer] was sleeping with several large pumpkins which is his custom around this time of the year and they had fallen onto the floor.  At some point, he must have snuck away and wandered into the marketplace where he then collapsed onto the box of irregular jeans.”

“Nearby there was a vendor that had some regular jeans,” the handler noted.  “Unfortunately, [Mr. Royer] was not in a state where he would have been able to shop selectively.”

A press conference is expected later today.

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