Five Things You Need to Know About Candy Corns
By Zach Keebaugh
NEWS OF THE SEASON
With Halloween fast approaching, you may think that by picking up a couple of packs of candy corns, you’re doing the kids in your neighborhood a favor, right? Perhaps. But first, maybe you better take a minute and learn a little something about this polarizing small candy.
1. PEOPLE LOVE CANDY CORNS OR THEY VIEW THEM AS AN UNMENTIONABLE LANKVILLE NIGHTMARE– THERE’S NO MIDDLE GROUND
Yeah, man– for a seemingly innocuous little bullshit treat, candy corn sure sparks a lot of opinion. When I recently polled some friends in preparation for this article, I got over a million responses.
“I become sick every year,” one friend (a woman) wrote. “I throw up for nearly a week. Nothing but bile and candy corns. Just over and over and over again into the toilet, the mop bucket, into the street, wherever. Just bile and candy corns.”
“HATE CANDY CORNS. Cannot emphasize the word HATE enough,” said another friend who utilized a yellow highlighter device on her email to make it especially clear.
“I love ’em yo’,” said a good friend (and fellow News contributor BIG CHIPS). “They’re awesome. Like little candy pizzas, man.”
About half the people surveyed admitted to liking the stuff.
Candy corns. Do you know five things about them?
2. IT USED TO BE MADE IN COUNTRY POTS
Snagged this fact off the net. Apparently, candy corns used to be made in these giant pots that they only had out in the country. These assholes would cook sugar and corn syrup into a sort of slurry and then pour it out into kernel-shape trays. “The Buntz Mallows Company of Lankville was the first company to sell candy corns commercially,” noted Gordon Dillard, who claimed to be some sort of candy historian or something. “Funny thing is, Buntz still sells them!”
I didn’t really get the joke but whatever. Used to be made in country pots.
3. THERE’S A PROPER WAY TO EAT THEM
So, about half the people I surveyed said that nibble on candy corn from one end. The other half say they just pop the whole fucker in their mouth and be done with it. “The proper way is to begin nibbling from the narrow white end,” said Dillard.
“Why?” we probed.
“Etiquette,” he responded.
4. THEY CAN BE DEEP-FRIED
An ex-girlfriend of mine recently posted a recipe on some blog that involves rolling a bunch of candy corns in a ball of dough and then frying it in hot oil.
Crazy whacked bitch, I initially thought.
Turns out though, it’s true.
“Why wouldn’t we fry candy corns?” said a chef who asked to remain anonymous. “Frying makes everything taste better.”
I thought about pushing the big white hat off his head but decided against it.
5. THERE ARE VERSIONS FOR OTHER HOLIDAYS
This, I didn’t know. Turns out, candy corns are not just for Halloween any more. They got candy corns for Easter, Christmas, Saint Virgil’s Day and the Opening Feast. Manufacturers even put them out in different colors to match the occasions.
I got nothing else to say on this matter, man.
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oboy zack. I am really enjoying these articles you’re writing