Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Christmas Snow Village Chalet

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Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Christmas Snow Village Chalet

December 1, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ric Royer

I parked my car up on the grass and ran into town, shoving people out of the way. The store had a series of pinwheel displays out front (one ejaculated great bubbles into the air) and I knocked these into the street. I tore the door open with such force that the plate glass window shattered.

The clerk, a smallish thick-haired woman in a medieval-looking dress, came out from behind the counter.

“Oh my God! Look at that!” she exclaimed.
“Fuck it,” I said. “I got your missive. Where is the new Snow Village Fiber Optic Chalet?”
She seemed stunned. I could barely take it.
“SHOW ME RIGHT NOW YOU LOUSY LITTLE WHORE!”

She led me to an alcove cramped with snow village boxes. There was an illuminated display behind a great glass case.

“WHERE IS IT! HURRY!” I let out a baleful scream. She finally got to work.

It required quite an intolerable amount of maneuvering– boxes had to be lifted from beneath a table and moved aside (several, I crushed with my boot instantly). “It’s here…somewhere,” she said, hardly able to contain her tears. “THERE IS NO TIME!” I shouted, as she bent over her work. “I just…I don’t see it here.” She was crying now, blubbering even.

It was then that I came up with the idea of lighting the large pile of looked-over boxes on fire. “I HAVE NO TIME FOR THESE. NO TIME!” I could feel a strange whooshing in my head. Mania was creeping in.

And then she found it. “Oh, oh, it was buried so…so deep,” she said. And she emerged from beneath the display case with the Snow Village Fiber Optic Chalet, shimmering in its plastic wrapping. “OH, GOD! OH JESUS,” I yelled, feeling an almost sexual release. And then I screamed again as the terrible interior conflagration erupted behind me. And then she collapsed in my arms.

We remained that way until the building burned completely to the ground.

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