This Man Bought a Bag of Braided Honey Wheat Pretzel Helices: You Won’t Believe What He Found Inside

Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > This Man Bought a Bag of Braided Honey Wheat Pretzel Helices: You Won’t Believe What He Found Inside

This Man Bought a Bag of Braided Honey Wheat Pretzel Helices: You Won’t Believe What He Found Inside

December 13, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ida Rumpus

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

When Dave Schlarsberger purchased a bag of Barlow Foods Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices in the basement vending machine of Lankville State University’s Carmody Hall on Friday, he was in for a big surprise. The 52-year-old Assistant Vice President in the Office of Financial Excellence frequently seeks out the salty snack in the mid-afternoon, when hunger drives him from his suite on the fifth floor.

“Sometimes I opt for Moon Chips,” Schlarsberger admitted. “I might even go straight for a Vitiello Decorative ham bunny on a day when I’m really famished. Usually, though, it’s the Honey Helix Pretzels. Man, they just hit the spot.”

Schlarsberger didn’t sense anything different as he smoothed his dollar bill and slid it into the vending machine. The spiral mechanism whirred forward as it had dozens of times before and dispensed the bag of pretzels, which he bent to retrieve with a characteristic flourish.

“I like people to know, anyone who might be watching: yeah, I just bought this. This is mine,” he said.

Almost immediately Schlarsberger felt a different heft to this particular bag.

“Usually, you know, the bag has a decent-sized serving, more than twelve pretzel helices but less than twenty.” It’s enough to fill him up, Schlarsberger added, but not so much that he feels bloated or has no appetite for dinner.

But when he sat down behind his desk on the fifth floor and tore open this bag of Honey Wheat Helices, he was startled.

The bag of pretzels photographed through a weird, confusing filter.

“The bag was packed,” Schlarsberger reported, his face still betraying astonishment. “I mean, there were pretzels practically bursting out the top of it. No way I could eat all that.”

Schlarsberger said that he thought about marching right down to the lobby of the Office of Financial Excellence and dumping half the bag onto a paper plate, to share it with the administrative assistants stationed there. Often, he said, there is a plastic container of store-bought cookies sitting on the ledge of the front desk. Sometimes brownies. Sometimes extremely heavy candies.

In the end, however, Schlarsberger decided not to share his bounty.

“Actually,” he admitted, “I kind of forgot about it. I ate a handful, did some work, ate another handful, and before I knew it, the pretzels were gone.”

But the Assistant Vice President won’t soon forget the day he discovered such an unexpected bonanza in his Braided Honey Helix Wheat Pretzels.

Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback

No comments yet.

No trackbacks yet.

FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

	Jade Gorman on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Samways and Fick: Identity…
	oversion on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Bath Times with My Father Gump…
	Life Lessons Funeral… on Son of Tibbs

The Lankville Daily News