Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Area People Generally Hesitant to Use Special Christmas Hand Towels

Area People Generally Hesitant to Use Special Christmas Hand Towels

December 27, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

A Zach Keebaugh Report

On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Linda Caldors put out some special holiday-themed hand towels in the bathroom of her three bedroom home in the Eastern Lankville Flat Plain Area. “I bring them out just for the holidays,” Mrs. Caldors explained when I showed up on her doorstep at 2AM last night (I prefer working late at night). “The thing is- I feel like people are hesitant to use them. I want them to be used.”

“Where’s your husband?” I asked suddenly. I wanted to get his thoughts on the matter but I was also trying to gauge the general situation.

“He’s away, tending to some mats.” She got a faraway look in her eye. “He sells tumbling mats.”

I moved it back to the towels. “Show them to me,” I said. “Let’s see what we’re working with here.”

The special holiday-themed hand towels.

The special holiday-themed hand towels.

I followed her upstairs. The staircase was steep and it was a pretty good view. She was nattering on about distinctly noticing several guests with wet marks on their pants. “They didn’t want to use the towels, I could tell,” she remarked.

We entered the bathroom and there they were. Crisp, clean Santa towels. Yeah, sure, nobody’d used them. Who would?

She pointed out the window. “Have you seen the waving fields of alfalfa out back?” she said eerily.

“Wash your hands,” she said suddenly.

I did as I was told. And I found that I too could not use the Santa towels. My hands dripped onto the floor.

And then we were in the spartan bedroom. “I don’t believe in adorning walls with art,” she noted as she dropped her house dress to the floor. “My husband would very much like to bring some of the mats home but…” She trailed off.

I stood before her. I could think of little to say. Did I have enough for a story here? Would I have to track down some of her Christmas visitors– ask them why they had avoided the special hand towels too?

I noticed then that her panties had little bears on them. Little bears with balloons. I suddenly became aware of the swaying alfalfa. It seemed louder. A light passed by somewhere.

“I slept with faith,” she said, looking far beyond me. “And I awoke with a corpse in my arms the next morning.”

“Fuck that shit,” I said suddenly. “Take off those bear panties.”

I had my way with her.

I left her house a few hours later with some tumbling mats from the basement.

The special Christmas hand towels remained.

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