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Getting Home After the Holidays: Travel Tips from Your Lankville S.W.A.T. Team

December 28, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Doug Andujar

By Doug Andujar


Traveling during the holidays can be a stressful experience. Weather delays, crowded airports, corpses, stale cookies, horribly misshaped gourds that won’t fit into the overhead bins – we’ve all been there. Thankfully, the Lankville S.W.A.T. Team has put together a handy list of suggestions to make that journey home from Aunt Ethel’s in the Lankville Outer Flats a little easier on body and soul.

1) Screaming infants can be a real nuisance, especially if you’re stuck across the aisle from them on a five-hour flight. But did you ever think of the parents? The harassed-looking mother wearing a permanent scowl, the flustered dad on the point of angry tears? Well, most likely, they’re assholes, too. The child has to get that horrible behavior from somewhere, right? So instead of shouting at, threatening, or shaking the infant up and down by its ankles, consider some well-placed anger directed at the parents of this vicious animal. Start with a silent glare, and gradually escalate things to heavy sighing and hand gestures. If that elicits no more than an exasperated look or an apologetic shrug, try tearing your cocktail napkin into little balls and throwing them at the baby and its parents. The important thing is to show them that you can be just as immature and inconsiderate as the little bastard they’re raising. Even if it’s not immediately effective, such antics will take your mind off the infant and entertain the other passengers.


This won’t happen to you if you read this article.

2) Tired of getting stuck in airport security? Impatient with TSA workers who insist on looking through your things for contraband? Well, here’s an easy solution that Lankville S.W.A.T. Team members like to use when they’re flying: slip a handgun or a little plastic baggie (or “dimebag”) of narcotics into the carry-on luggage of the person standing just in front of you. You are guaranteed to move swiftly through the security line as agents converge on the unsuspecting traveler, and get a good laugh out of the process while you’re at it.

3) In today’s high-tech world, identity theft is always a concern, especially amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday traveling. Cousin Sal can easily have her credit card information swiped and transform into Uncle Hal, wreaking havoc in a tri-state crime spree. The best way to combat that possibility is to always travel under an assumed name, with corroborating false documents. The Lankville Copy Emporium can help you with all of your identity documentation needs. Once you have secured a new passport and other items, you must be prepared to answer questions about them as you move through travel checkpoints. Criminals often exhibit an overly calm and confident demeanor when challenged, so our Team recommends behaving in a nervous, anxious manner in response to questions. When asked if Paul Butterschmidt is your real name, for example, pause at least thirty seconds before responding. Blink rhythmically. It adds to the verisimilitude if you can generate a clammy sweat on the backs of your hands, which you then wipe on your overcoat. Hold your breath, then let it out by popping your cheeks with your fingers.

We hope these tips help you enjoy a safe and happy holiday travel season!

  1. Life Lessons Funeral Home
    December 28, 2014 at 7:57 am

    There will come a time when the only traveling you will be doing will be to the grave. Are you ready? Call Eddie or Stummins at Life Lessons Funeral Home today. 5-2161, Lankville Business District.

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