Home > Lankville Action News: YES!, Penetrating Interviews > The Incident in the Woods: An Investigative Report

The Incident in the Woods: An Investigative Report

By Sarah Samways

By Sarah Samways

Lankville Daily News’ Contributing Female hits the streets in search of answers.

Lankville, your safety is important to me – I want you to know that. Your privacy is too, I suppose. The state of your mental health is a concern I have from time to time, if there’s nothing good on television. So when I heard there was an incident in The Woods, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed several Lankvillians on the scene but I wasn’t getting any straight answers. When asked about the incident, a group of teenagers shrugged their shoulders. An unidentified man on a bicycle claimed he had heard an explosion of some sort but this could not be corroborated with police reports.

“Not a thing is singed,” said Detective Gee Temple, as he jumped into a pile of leaves. “We’ll take some samples of these leaves I’ve just jumped into but otherwise, I’m not seeing anything suspicious,” the intrepid detective added.

Gee-Temple:  "I took some of the wings out of the bassinet."

Gee-Temple: “…I’m not seeing anything suspicious.”

Others claimed there was a flood and it ruined all the crops. An elderly couple said that they had seen a young man skipping stones and playing hopscotch. I asked how this was suspicious. “I didn’t care for his haircut,” noted Leslie Smithereens, 89. Her husband, Doe, 76, nodded in agreement. A burly man said he had seen “…the light at the end of the tunnel.” A quiet weirdo avoided making eye contact at all costs but whispered, what now I can only assume to be the secret of life, in my ear, and then skipped off down the road carrying a basket of flowers. I was getting nowhere; why was I here?

I would get closer to the truth when I came across an old woman, creaking back and forth in a rocking chair on an open and termite-bitten-porch. She invited me to sit “for a spell and drink sweet tea.” I accepted the invitation. Her name was Josephine Liliweather.

SS: What exactly happened here? I’m getting all kinds of stories.

JL: Yeah, that’ll happen…You from outta town?

SS: Kind of…I’m new to the city but I’m quite familiar with The Woods. I’ve lived here from time to time.

JL: Well, it takes time. Everything and nothing happened out here. Everything and nothing.

SS: It seems some people are upset –

JL: What about that girl who disappeared?probe.png

SS: What? I hadn’t heard that –

JL: Oh, I doubt you ever will!

Ms. Liliweather then splashed hot sweet tea in my eyes, threw me off the porch and rolled me down a hill in one of those old fashioned wooden barrels. It smelled of pickles and it was disgusting. The interview was ended prematurely, but set for a later date yet to be determined.

  1. January 2, 2015 at 11:00 am

    Reblogged this on SARAH SAMWAYS and commented:
    The President is in denial. He needs to address those tent murders in an actual forum and stop sugar coating the situation!

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