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THIS JUST IN!

February 16, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Sarah Samways: Reporter Who is a Woman

By Sarah Samways: Reporter Who is a Woman

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

THIS JUST IN!

WOMAN’S RECKONER CALLS IT QUITS

Reckoning of the Reckoner for Local Woman?

Reckoning of the Reckoner for Local Woman?

Yesterday evening, a local area woman got home from work and attempted to turn on her Reckoner, as per her end-of-shift routine. Unfortunately, it buzzed and whirred and its screen remained black. After several attempts to revive it, the woman picked up a book (covered in cobwebs and dust), and fell asleep.

THIS JUST IN!

BOY PULLS GIRL’S BRAIDS, STITCHES NEEDED ON SITE

Rascal and general hooligan, Johnny Lane, 7, was seen chasing an unidentified foreign girl in the schoolyard. The girl, who doesn’t speak any Lankville languages, sustained severe injuries to the scalp and psyche when Lane pulled her braids until several strands broke and were ripped straight out of her head. The event left many baffled and bits of the girl’s exposed, bleeding scalp could be seen on the concrete. The girl was then seen running to the nurse’s office, howling in pain. Onlookers say they don’t know what provoked Lane, citing his form of terror as usually reserved for teachers, the elderly, athletic boys, and non-foreign girls. “Guess he got bored,” a local nun was rumored to have said.

THIS JUST IN!

MAN STANDS OUTSIDE OF VITIELLO DECORATIVE HAMS ARENA, SOLO

Steve Bob-Horner

Marty Dennis had a lot to say.

LAST NIGHT – Local Lankvillian, Todd Malo, 45, stood outside of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena in below freezing temperatures, shivering and apparently waiting for something, anything to happen. An arena employee spotted Malo, as he went to pick up his paycheck.

“So I says, I says to the guy, ya know we’re closed right? There ain’t any events goin’ on tonight. I’m just here to pick up my paycheck,” claims Marty Dennis, 32. This admission was ignored by Malo, who quietly began to calculate the seagull to french fry ratio in the parking lot, aloud. Dennis found Malo “…a lost cause,” and continued inside.

Two random Lankvillian females happened to be traveling through the Arena’s parking lot from opposite directions when they were approached by a now-alert Malo. Witnesses on scene reported seeing Malo foaming at the mouth, speaking in tongues, and waving his arms around. Dennis, paycheck in hand, had just come back outside. “Yeah, all I could make out was: fight! fight! I dunno, he was bein’ real lewd, making comments and whatnot…Them girls looked freaked. The one with the nice cans was just trying to get to the salon across the way to get her nails done or whatever. The younger one just looked bored, ya know Millennials, they’re all the same, texting and (expletive).”

Authorities were called as Malo began pointing at his crotch and giggling. Lankville Police Commissioner Simmons had this to say,”Yeah, on the off season we get fellas trying to incite impromptu sets of Small Motel Girl Wrestling – it rarely works out. This cabin fever during the colder months brought more of it out than usual. Malo is no more or less of a man than anyone else. I mean who can blame him? Those events are well worth their ticket price! But, ahem, this won’t be tolerated! We want the female population in Lankville to feel safe while walking through empty parking lots. Times have changed.”

  1. February 17, 2015 at 10:08 pm

    Reblogged this on SARAH SAMWAYS and commented:
    The Contributing Female strikes occasionally…

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