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Five White Guys Declare: Open for Business!

February 19, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Embarking on a brand new business venture such as a restaurant, a “start-up,” or an animal disposal company can be daunting. Never more so than in this time of fragile economic recovery for the Greater Lankville area, when prosperity seems to beckon from every vacant lot or storefront, even as bankruptcy looms. Statistics show that most new businesses fail within a year, the erstwhile entrepreneurs becoming the object of ridicule or even challenges in their homes and in local pubs.

None of that has stopped a concern of five bold white men in Lankville.

“We’ve done the research,” said Sylvester Williams, one of the men. “We’ve crunched all the numbers with regards to what leads to success. Amidst all the hullabaloo about things like ‘capitalization ratio’ and ‘intangible assets’ and ‘long-term liabilities,’ one factor really stood out.”

“We’re white,” he said.

The White Men.

The White Men.

“Not only that,” added Mackenzie “Mack” Cornelius, the concern’s founder and treasurer. “We’re five white guys. That’s a combination that simply cannot fail.”

Indeed, Lankville’s illustrious history is replete with an almost unbroken string of successes by its white male citizens. “It’s tradition,” observed Glenn Ogilvie, history professor at the University of Southern Lankville. Prof. Ogilvie noted that it was transplanted foreign nobleman Edmund du Rochfecault who discovered the famous Mud Pits in the late seventeenth century.

As the Industrial Age swept across the country during the following centuries, white men led the charge: Theodore “Ironsides” Knutson founded the Lankville Quarry; Barlow Foods was the brainchild of Weatherford T. Barlow, and the company is still overseen by the scion’s white male heirs; today, of course, Lankville is secure in the resolute leadership of President Pondicherry. Thus, Prof. Ogilvie pointed out, from the stone we build our homes on to the nutrients we consume to the political machinations that make it all possible, we have white guys to thank.

“You’re welcome,” added Mr. Williams.

As of press time, the conglomerate of five white men had not yet decided what their nascent business should be.

“I’d like it to be something that involves heavy machinery and beer,” averred Mr. Cornelius. “Maybe a place that rents out industrial machines and serves beer while you wait. Something like that. If we can figure out a way to involve physical activity as well, like with dumbbells, all the better.”

There are a good deal of permits and licenses and mortgage information to sift through, the men said, but they remain firm and undaunted. They know they have what it takes to succeed, no matter what kind of business they eventually launch.

Lankville eagerly awaits their decision, and looks forward to providing its white men with another well-earned triumph.

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