Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > And the Best Public Restroom in Lankville Is….

And the Best Public Restroom in Lankville Is….

By Trent Steib

By Trent Steib

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING…FOR YOU!

We’ve all been there: hustling up from the Lankville Subway, clutching sacks of delectables from Barlow Foods or holding a hatbox from Five White Guys’ Haberdashery, when nature calls. Urgently.

But where to turn when you are “on the go” and suddenly find that you “have to go”? Even as those familiar cramps begin to twinge with an unmistakable message, your thoughts can’t help but fan outwards over the qualities we all seek in a public restroom. Perhaps you are the type of person who values privacy; the open-air stalls beside the Pondicherry Square Farmer’s Market are not for you, then. Maybe you require hot, running water to wash with; if so, you will want to plan your next constitutional to pass beside the Mud Pits, where restroom plumbing is fed by the hot springs of the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions.

“I go there all the time,:

“I go there all the time”

After a six-month Special Investigation of the habits and preferences of Lankvillians, we have finally and definitively determined the public restroom that encompasses the features our citizens find most desirable: the Stacy Q. Pryzbylewski Memorial Water Closet on the third floor in the main branch of the Lankville Public Library.

“I go there all the time,” averred Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston. “Something about the color scheme, the lighting, and the water pressure makes for a gestalt that leaves me feeling well-adjusted for the rest of the day.”

Noted mall architect Mike Squatch, meanwhile, praised the restroom’s design aesthetics.

“You don’t often find that level of detail and harmony in post-mid-century Lankville lavoratories,” said Mr. Squatch. “The breadth, the balance – it’s really quite unique.”

Indeed, certain features of the Pryzbylewski bathroom were mentioned time and time again by men and women on the street.

Among these were the especially spacious stalls that allow ample room for spreading out. “It’s important to me to have enough leg room to do all I need to do,” confirmed Honey Rose, Lankville’s senior pizza stripper. “Especially first thing in the morning.”

“I appreciate the handrails, too,” she added.

Also noted was the pleasing mosaic design on the wall tiles, tastefully hovering at eye level for those making use of the stalls. The outward-opening doors also met with Lankvillians’ approval: “The last thing you want to do is have to step back towards the toilet when you come out,” said typical post-graduate Gretchen Chairley, 24. “You want to flush the toilet, pop the door open and leave in one fluid motion.”

High-pressure flushing action, solid aluminum panels between urinals (on the men’s side), well-stocked assorted vending machines: the Lankville Library restroom has everything to meet citizens’ gastrointestinal needs.

But it has more.

“The murder holes,” said Mike Squatch, smiling. “The murder holes are a nice perk that really sets this puppy apart.”

Every one of our respondents agreed: There is something deeply satisfying about finishing off a visit to the lavoratory by dropping an object or two through the restroom’s “special aperture” onto unsuspecting Library patrons on lower floors.

It’s just another thing that makes being out and about in Lankville such a unique adventure.

Shortly after press time, Trent Stieb was killed in a challenge. We will miss him.

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