Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > He Said / She Said: Decoding Lankville’s Dating Lingo

He Said / She Said: Decoding Lankville’s Dating Lingo

By Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

You’re on a hot date on a Saturday night in Lankville’s swingingest scene: perhaps a quick slice at “Pizza-A-Round” followed by a movie at old Pondicherry Theater, maybe a stroll in The Woods if the conversation’s really engrossing. Things are getting intense and you suggest catching the last Subway train home, or perhaps you’re better off hailing a cab. That’s when your date turns to you and says…

Wait – what’s that? A series of words has just come out of your date’s mouth, you listened with a grin on your face and nodded idiotically, but did you really understand what was said? Luckily, the Lankville News has enlisted the aid of Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston and psychologist Winifred P. Temple to help you parse these common dating lines.

He said: “I had a really good time… I’m just not sure I’m ready to dig this tunnel with you.”

What it means: Scrape the peanut butter off your nether regions and take your arm out of that fake sling. And save the tunnel-digging until after the third date, at least.

How you feel about this closing elevator could determine the fate of your romantic life

How you feel about this closing elevator could determine the fate of your romantic life

She said: “I like the way your face remains cool, aloof, and expressionless as you regard me across the room.”

What it means: This person is confident enough to endure your disapproving gaze and the many hours of silence you’ll spend together, assuming things work out. Could be a keeper!

He said: “I was glad you quoted (famous Lankville philosopher) Nitzwald earlier, but your pronunciation was a little off.”

What it means: A classic mixed message! Rather than spend hours in front of a mirror practicing your speech, you might make better use of that time carefully basting a succulent boar’s head.

She said: “Please write to me – but only through coded messages sent by carrier pigeon. And don’t expect a response.”

What it means: You’ve got a real mystery on your hands. This is a person who enjoys the thrill of the chase and wants to see how you deal with challenges and “delayed gratification.” If you can be patient and “crack the code,” there’s no telling where this might lead!

He said: “So, have you sent any funny messages on LankLove.com lately?”

What it means: Try not to hyperventilate or show any signs of stress as you think about the fake profiles you’ve set up on the LankLove dating site to “mess with your exes.” This question is actually a signal that your date is ready for some shared tales of romantic hijinks and revenge plots gone awry. Take a deep breath, be honest, and dive right in!

She said: “Are you the type of person who rushes onto an elevator, or do you, like, take your time?”

What it means: There is no wrong answer to this question. Unfortunately, there’s no right answer, either. Getting onto an elevator too quickly can be a sign of insecurity that dates back to childhood issues with uncles and cousins, and anxieties about being locked out of your favorite shed. Sauntering slowly onto an elevator can signal that you don’t understand the basic principle of Archimedes’ screw, not to mention social niceties. It may be time to push the “going down” button on this particular date.

    March 25, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Aw, fer fuck’s sake you guys!

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