Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Kitchen Kerfluffle Leaves Hurt Feelings, Unsightly Mess

Kitchen Kerfluffle Leaves Hurt Feelings, Unsightly Mess

By Dennis Updatables

By Dennis Updatables

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

An ongoing dispute in the shared kitchen space in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University has entered its third week, with no resolution in sight. The dispute began when the last few drops of cleaning liquid were squeezed out of a large bottle of Barlow’s “Magic Hands” Detergent, a popular brand around the upper echelons of the Vice Presidents’ Citadel on the Lankville State Campus.

The "mess".

The “mess”.

The “Magic Hands” Detergent was not replenished, and the dirty dishes (and silent, seething frustration) began to pile up.

“Ridiculous … disgusting … Un-Lankvillian” were some of the words used by Susie P. Totenhotten to describe the scene in the kitchen. Ms. Totenhotten is second special assistant administrator to the Interim Vice President of Financial Excellence and often finds herself tasked with flushing out a coffee pot in the late afternoons.

Rebekah Wollstonecraft, part-time student assistant to the Interim VP, agreed. “Usually the ‘Magic Hands’ gets low, somebody leaves a Post-it Note on the cupboard above the sink, and the next week there’s a new bottle. Not this time.”

“I’m just a student,” she added. “It’s not my job to buy detergent for these assholes.”

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Anger bubbles over at missing suds.

Dave Schlarsberger, 52-year-old Assistant Vice President in the Office of Financial Excellence, could not be reached for comment. His office released a statement of surprise and dismay at the state of affairs, however, while disavowing any responsibility.

“I don’t know what the world is coming to, I really don’t,” said Margaret Winchell, someone we stopped in the hall. “I understand that people are frustrated, they’re angry, tensions are boiling over and they have to come out somehow. But what does this solve?” she asked, gesturing helplessly at the neglected kitchen sink. “How does this help anything?”

Ms. Winchell hurried off in distress as a couple of burly men passed by with keys jangling.

As of press time, the “standoff” continued, with the Special-Interim VP of Extimate Affairs threatening to call in an outside cleaning unit if the mess is not dispersed soon.

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