Gump Penetrates

Gump Tibbs

Gump Tibbs

It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville Daily News correspondent and Men’s Feelings Expert Dr. Kevin Thurston.

GUMP: So, Dr. Thurston, you have that little area in the paper where you write about men’s feelings?

KT: Thank you, Mister Fump. I do, occasionally, have an area where I write about how to reach inward so that eventually they can reach outward. However, I no longer believe in paper, so I only read online. That is to say, I’m not sure how much area I have in square inches.

GUMP: Absolutely wonderful! Do all men have feelings?

Dr. Thurston (left) with a men's.

Dr. Thurston (left) with the men’s.

KT: If you think of a number, men have at least that many feelings. If you think of a number, or perhaps a price is a better word, I will beat it. For example, on a leading national online retailer there is an exercise ball that is rated up to 2000lbs with a pump for $21.83. Not only is 2000lbs worth of feelings plenty of feelings, but it becomes even easier to unload your feelings on an exercise ball when you are paying $19.78.

GUMP: That’s just fabulous! Do women have feelings? And why?


GUMP: What a delight! Can feelings be passed on? Is that what ghosts are?

KT: There is a cycle that can occur from one man to another. Often the other man will be a son, but a neighboring boy will do.

GUMP: How do you see men’s feelings in 20 years time?

KT: Why, Mister Frump, feelings are an abstract concept, you can’t see them!

GUMP: Just exceptional! I hope we’re all alive in 20 years. Do you think we will be?

KT: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into the reservoir– want to come along?

KT: I have a great deal on some ammunitions.

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