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Planning for Your Retirement: 5 Things You Need to Know by Zach Keebaugh

December 9, 2014 Leave a comment
By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

NEWS YOU CAN USE

1. Save as much money as you can.

The sooner you begin saving, the more time your money has to grow. Plus, you’ll be putting money aside (in a bank, with friends, in a hole, whatever) rather than “spending” that money– i.e., giving that money to another “agency” in exchange for services or products.

2. Set realistic goals.

Think about your retirement expenses in terms of what you’ll need to live the way you WANT to live. Be honest about it. My old man, for example. He spends a fortune on those little pebbles that you line gardens with. He’s constantly putting out more and more of those little pebbles. His whole front and side yard is just those pebbles now, man. There isn’t even any grass visible. Just pebbles. Now, I know I won’t need any pebble money. I can cross that off my list. Makes it simple.

3. A Teete-Rozema Bill is the best way to save for retirement.

Mr. Teete-Rozema, creator of the Teete-Rozema Bill.

Mr. Teete-Rozema, creator of the Teete-Rozema Bill.

Contributing money to a Teete-Rozema Bill gives you an immediate tax reduction (you should do your taxes, by the way), deferred growth on your savings and usually a matching deduction from whatever company you work for. This guy Teete-Rozema that created this bill– he’s alright. We reached for the same bag of Flummies at a convenience store once. We were both holding onto the top of the bag, neither letting go, both staring into each other’s eyes with a hatred and a fire that could last a lifetime. It was an intense moment. Then, I was like, “Hey, you’re that Teete-Rozema dude.” He was like, “Yeah, I am” and all.

4. Shift Money Around A Lot

You don’t want to get pinned down. So, move your money around a lot. One bank to another, in and out. I’m talking like every week. Make them think you know something they don’t. Keys them up. This one bank manager, he was like, “Why are you doing this?” He was shaking and he couldn’t look me in the eye. I was like, “My $250 can’t be tied down, that’s all. Maybe it’ll be back, maybe it won’t.” So, this guy was like, “We have some hot/cold packs with the insignia of your local Lingus Nets team behind the counter. Stay, and I’ll give you one.” I thought it over for about an hour but then I went back up and was all like, “Nope, my $250 is riding the wind right now.” I know he thought about that one for weeks.

5. Rent Rooms

Never, and I mean, NEVER rent apartments or buy houses. All you need is a room. Be nice if the room had a kitchen but I wouldn’t take it too far. A house is a terrible investment. The roof is just going to fall off and where will you be then? There’ll just be some guy from the Islands hustling some old boards up there for ten grand. Terrible shot to your nest egg. Rent rooms now for a better life later.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES!, Zach Keebaugh Investigations Tags: , , ,

Five Things You Need to Know About Candy Corns

October 29, 2014 1 comment
By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

NEWS OF THE SEASON

With Halloween fast approaching, you may think that by picking up a couple of packs of candy corns, you’re doing the kids in your neighborhood a favor, right? Perhaps. But first, maybe you better take a minute and learn a little something about this polarizing small candy.

1. PEOPLE LOVE CANDY CORNS OR THEY VIEW THEM AS AN UNMENTIONABLE LANKVILLE NIGHTMARE– THERE’S NO MIDDLE GROUND

Yeah, man– for a seemingly innocuous little bullshit treat, candy corn sure sparks a lot of opinion. When I recently polled some friends in preparation for this article, I got over a million responses.

“I become sick every year,” one friend (a woman) wrote. “I throw up for nearly a week. Nothing but bile and candy corns. Just over and over and over again into the toilet, the mop bucket, into the street, wherever. Just bile and candy corns.”

“HATE CANDY CORNS. Cannot emphasize the word HATE enough,” said another friend who utilized a yellow highlighter device on her email to make it especially clear.

“I love ’em yo’,” said a good friend (and fellow News contributor BIG CHIPS). “They’re awesome. Like little candy pizzas, man.”

About half the people surveyed admitted to liking the stuff.

Candy corns. Do you know five things about them?

Candy corns. Do you know five things about them?

2. IT USED TO BE MADE IN COUNTRY POTS

Snagged this fact off the net. Apparently, candy corns used to be made in these giant pots that they only had out in the country. These assholes would cook sugar and corn syrup into a sort of slurry and then pour it out into kernel-shape trays.  “The Buntz Mallows Company of Lankville was the first company to sell candy corns commercially,” noted Gordon Dillard, who claimed to be some sort of candy historian or something. “Funny thing is, Buntz still sells them!”

I didn’t really get the joke but whatever. Used to be made in country pots.

3. THERE’S A PROPER WAY TO EAT THEM

So, about half the people I surveyed said that nibble on candy corn from one end. The other half say they just pop the whole fucker in their mouth and be done with it. “The proper way is to begin nibbling from the narrow white end,” said Dillard.

“Why?” we probed.

“Etiquette,” he responded.

4.  THEY CAN BE DEEP-FRIED

An ex-girlfriend of mine recently posted a recipe on some blog that involves rolling a bunch of candy corns in a ball of dough and then frying it in hot oil.

Crazy whacked bitch, I initially thought.

Turns out though, it’s true.

“Why wouldn’t we fry candy corns?” said a chef who asked to remain anonymous.  “Frying makes everything taste better.”

I thought about pushing the big white hat off his head but decided against it.

5.  THERE ARE VERSIONS FOR OTHER HOLIDAYS

This, I didn’t know. Turns out, candy corns are not just for Halloween any more.  They got candy corns for Easter, Christmas, Saint Virgil’s Day and the Opening Feast. Manufacturers even put them out in different colors to match the occasions.

I got nothing else to say on this matter, man.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES!, Zach Keebaugh Investigations Tags: , , ,