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A Chubby Steals the Show!

July 15, 2015 Leave a comment
By Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

FASHION NOTES

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Chubbette Dolores Fountains shows off the goods.

When 14-year-old Dolores Fountains walked down the runway at the CALLING ALL GIRLS Club Fashion Bonanza in Eastern Lankville last night, you could have heard the applause all the way out in the Far Desert Area. Like Dolores, a bunch of the girls in the audience were Chubbies, so you couldn’t blame them for cheering when she was picked as one of the prettiest models by a jury of five boys. Yes, she stole the show!

Dolores fits into a Chubbette size 14 1/2 to perfection. Pinafore, shown at left about $75, white rayon date dress with lace inserts and larger neck hole shown at right, about $89, oversized shoes (not shown) about $65. These and many other Chubbette fashions available at Nan’s of Lankville (ask for the Chubbette room) in the Oldtown East Area.

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Celestine Meek (left) sports the two-piece pajama set while Briannacindy Cordova (right) models the Tommie Coat while eating a small pie.

SUMMER PAJAMAS UNVEILED

Don’t be caught napping in long, uncomfortable gowns, winter pajamas, or animal costumes this winter! To keep cool in the heat from yawn to dawn, pour a bunch of talcum powder all over your body and then slip into a two-piece pajama set or a Tommie Coat from the folks at Comfa-Sleep! Comfa-Sleep is made from state-of-the-art mysterious Outland fabrics that will hold up to repeated washings without fade. The checked rayon crepe midriff sleepers could even double for outdoor play (recommended in rural areas).

FANCY PANTS TALK

A talk was given called “Fancy Pants Ideas” by Mrs. Beatrice Tibbs (nee Niedenfeur) following the CALLING ALL GIRLS show.

Mrs. Tibbs demonstrated a new use for discarded jeans.

“If you were planning on throwing away your jeans, here’s a simple idea. Cut them off knee-high or higher (depending on your area) and then cut the fringe at the bottom with a pair of scissors. Makes a cute cow-girl outfit!

Mrs. Tibbs had little else of interest to note and for several minutes the audience was uneasy and desultory.

TANK CONFUSES PATRONS

The tank confused patrons.

The tank confused patrons.

Perhaps the only hitch of the show was the presence of a large military combat tank which confused patrons.

“It was in the lobby, right by a display of summer raincoats,” noted attendee Roberta Queens of the Northern Affluent Area. “The mortar was pointed straight at you as you walked in.”

Organizers dodged questions on the tanks presence.

“Everyone is having a wonderful time,” said chairman Bev Charboats when asked.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , , ,

Lankville Vending Machines Under New Management

March 10, 2015 Leave a comment
By Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

There are certain things, as citizens of Lankville, that we count on. Fresh, breathable, slightly off-color air. Winter trees festooned with plastic bags. The right to shower as long and hard as we want to. Sometimes, living where we do and enjoying the bounty and beauty of Lankville and its environs, we take these things for granted. We wake up and just assume that they’ll be there, like the Woods or the Mud Pits.

And then one day, they’re not.

Read it and Reap: Under New Management

Read it and Reap: Under New Management

Such is the case with one of our local points of pride and commerce: reliable, well-stocked vending machines.

When it was discovered last month that vending machines across Lankville were running dangerously low on supplies of Barlow Foods Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices, Salty Crab Cake Crackers, and Double-Dipped Bow-Tie Licorice Ribbons, residents were rightly incensed.

“I don’t work hard all day in the Lankville State Office of Financial Excellence only to find nothing in the machine but Moon Chips,” snapped Dave Schlarsberger from his office in Carmody Hall. Schlarsberger, an assistant vice president in the OFE, then reminisced about a “bounty” he once found in an overstuffed bag of Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices, until a passing administrator challenged him and he had to sign off.

Sad Sacks: Area Youths Dispirited at Dearth of Snacks

Sad Sacks: Area Youths Dispirited at Dearth of Snacks

Fortunately, President Pondicherry and his staff sprang into action as soon as it became clear what was happening with the machines.

“The vending machines are under new management,” said Sue Ely, spokesperson for the president. “We can’t have gangs of ruffians and old people mismanaging such an important part of the local economy.”

Ms. Ely assured this reporter that henceforth vending machines will be run by competent youths and frequently (and fully) stocked with the tasty treats we all love. Dave Schlarsberger, and all of Lankville, is grateful.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

OPINION: What Do You Get When You Put a Bunny in a Room Full of Partially-Deflated Balloons? A Very Happy Bunny!

December 18, 2014 Leave a comment
By Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

It started like this. We had a big birthday party for my boyfriend Glenn’s 40th. It was a lot of fun– I made him a big clown head. He claims he never said anything about liking a big clown head but, trust me, he did. Many times.

Slips runs with a balloon.

Slips runs with a balloon.

A few days passed and all the balloons started to partially deflate. Well, I gathered them all together in the dining room with the intention of eventually icepicking them into oblivion and putting them in the garbage (such a sad, sad process– it’s murder, really). Anyway, I also figured I’d let our pet bunny “Slips” into the room, just to get her out of her cage for a few minutes. We call her “Slips” by the way because she has epilepsy and actually does slip a lot. Well, Glenn came up with the name anyway. I don’t really like it. I wanted to name her “Felicia”.

Anyway, “Slips” started playing around with the balloons. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, literally. She would occasionally climb on top of the balloons. Then, she started carrying the balloons in her mouth and running with them. Well, it’s really just those two things she did. But so cute! Just super-cute.

“Slips” is super-gentle too! She didn’t pop a single balloon.

Rumpus suddenly had nothing else to say and the story just ended unexpectedly.

Categories: Opinions Tags: , , , ,

Santa Shows Up Early in Lankville!

November 13, 2014 Leave a comment
Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

It’s not even Thanksgiving but a Santa Claus showed up early yesterday at the Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Outlet in Western Lankville.

"We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was."

“We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was.”

“We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was,” said area Dad Brim Gerard, 34. “He was sitting on a barrel that had been cut in half and turned over so that it slightly resembled a chair. The kids exhibited some glee.”

I didn’t know he was back there.

The Santa may have been part of a promotion by the Lowinger Brothers Company, although no spokesman could be reached for comment.

“I didn’t know he was back there,” said a lower-level clerk for the concern who refused to be identified. “But I guess it was planned.”

Gerard noted that the Santa was spotted on a rather distant part of the lot.

“It was way towards the back. Where they keep the discount utility sheds or the ones that have been hit by cars.”

Will the Santa be back on the lot today? No one is quite sure.

“I really don’t know,” said a second clerk who refused to identified. “I can’t find anything on our website about it.”

Lowinger Brothers executives did not return phone calls as of press time.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,
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