Posts Tagged ‘Jack Quintz’

Giant Trash Storm to Pass Through Lankville Tomorrow

July 13, 2016 Leave a comment
Lankville Daily News weatherman Jack Quintz.

By Jack Quintz, Weatherman

A giant storm of trash is expected to pass through Lankville tomorrow.

Citizens are advised to stay inside between noon and 8:00 PM.

“The trash is simply making its yearly circumnavigation of the Earth and arriving back to its original source, as trash is known to do,” said Shane Rawley, a scientist with the Lankville National Organization for Weather Patterns (LNOWP) in an email.

By Friday, the trash is expected to travel out to sea but not before dumping anywhere from 10,000 to 100,000 pounds of garbage on the mainland.

“It will mean an enormous cleanup but the stout will of Lankvillians will bend this problem over their knee like a child or a misbehaving lover and spank it away into oblivion,” said President Pondicherry in a prepared statement.

Trash particles will contribute to hazy skies and the creation of toxic algal blooms in most of Lankville’s waterways.

“Yes, the rivers and lakes will all die, unfortunately,” said Rawley when probed. “So, there’s that.”

Some studies have suggested that trash can affect how clouds and precipitation actually form.

“It could rain trash. You should warn everybody about that too,” Rawley noted.

Prior to the trash tempest, weather should be warm and seasonable with increasing humidity towards evening.

Visible satellite imagery showing the trash storm nearing the Lankville coast.

Visible satellite imagery showing the trash storm nearing the Lankville coast.

Giant Hurricane to Destroy Most of Lankville

October 2, 2015 Leave a comment


By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

A giant hurricane is expected to wipe out most of Lankville, sources are confirming.

The hurricane will likely hit the Lankville beaches Monday morning. The afternoon and evening will be the peak time of mass destruction and death.

The Category 10 storm will be preceded by eldritch winds which will bounce between the Lankville mountains for some time before a sudden ejaculatory release over the prairies. The zephyr will cause enormous power failures, electricity shortages, underground explosions and vicious animal attacks which will likely result in the evacuation of several towns. Frustrated, angry people will cling to the earth but the conflagration will ultimately claim them. The hurricane will then finish off those remaining.

“It’s going to be a big one,” said Lankville Daily News weather correspondent Jack Quintz. “The weather event will first be evident by the giant blinking rings of fire that you may notice before going to bed Sunday night, your final night. You will awake to an orange, melancholy sky issuing forth torrents of detritus out of the east. You will wonder about this in the few moments before the pounding, merciless rain suddenly cascades from the sky like some sort of demonic goblin of the elements.”

Meteorologists predict that the hurricane will be followed by a series of massive heat sheets which will pound the Lankville bay regions causing unparalleled levels of water evaporation and ground swelling and making it difficult to remove shakes from machines.

“Of course, by then, there won’t be anyone left to make the shakes,” Quintz noted.

President Pondicherry has declared a Lankville State of Tension and has deployed several hundred armed guards to area malls. Certain malls have been opened as “places of refuge” for those killed by the hurricane.

The President himself is monitoring the situation.

An Interview with Weatherman Jack Quintz

November 21, 2014 Leave a comment
By Gump Tibbs

By Gump Tibbs

Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.

Lankville Daily News weatherman Jack Quintz.

Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.

GT:  You have that little area in the paper where you report on the weather?
JQ: Yeah, I’ve been doing it for years. It’s fine.
GT: Fascinating. Do you like the weather?
JQ: It’s fine. It’s alright.
GT: Do you feel like you have some special insight on the weather?
JQ: We have these radar maps. It requires slight interpretation. It’s alright.
GT: What about when weather is insane and spooky?
JQ: The weather can be unpredictable.
GT: Like when your cousin took your gun and killed all those people?
JQ: What?
GT: Alright. Great. I’ll look for your column next time.

The interview suddenly ended.