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Pondicherry Association Season Begins Today

January 19, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo

The shortened 2013 Pondicherry Association season will begin today with a slate of contests including the inaugural games for the expansion 24-Piece Men, the Hoover Island Stamps, and the Niner Elevens of Lankville City.

The 3PM game between the Stamps and the Oversions will mark the first Association game on Hoover Island.

“We’re completely naked and excited,” said monarch Aaron Tucker, who purchased the expansion Stamps over the summer and whose nation is primarily nudist. “There was a long party last night that has continued into the morning and I’m quite certain that the bulk of our great nation will be in attendance or in front of a television set this afternoon, perhaps with some cheesed nachos or maybe some flattened bean cakes, depending on how one views snack scenarios.”

The 24-Piece Men will host the Terrifying Bats at the newly-constructed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena this evening at 7PM.

“We’ll be giving away free decorative hams to the first 10,000 fans through the gate,” noted owner and GM Chris Vitiello, who purchased his franchise over the summer. “The hams will be issued with lifetime contracts binding the recipient to the ham and a small section naming next of kin,” noted Vitiello, who was dressed in a slate grey suit with a new sash across his chest that was later revealed to be a cleverly-disguised braided whip. “Fans will have to fill out these contracts before they can go through the turnstiles so we are hoping there will not be a backup at the entrance. We encourage fans to come early. Otherwise, I may personally ferret them out and whip them all the way to the arena.”

“I detest putterers,” Vitiello added before disappearing into a strange, creeping gloom.

A flurry of activity has prefaced the season with the Space Assholes signing several free agents and brokering a major trade with Darkness.

“We’re operating under the assumption that [GM] Nick is dead,” noted Assholes interim GM Codge Partners. “We know that he’s not really dead, that’s he on that orange planet or whatever, but we figure that eventually the madness will overtake him and he’ll succumb to his various illusions and, you know, just die, or whatever. In the meantime, though, we are happy to acquire Daniel Sedman [sic] and to pick up some of those great little French players [sic] to augment the club.”

Darkness GM Fick, who was reached by special heath and moor telex, was especially pleased to acquire forward Alex Ovechkin.

“Alex and I have a special bond,” said Fick, who recently retired to a distant, mysterious mansion on an unidentified Lankville moor. “His new fiance is beautiful and it is my understanding that she plays net rackets [tennis]. I am delighted,” added Fick, whose tone of voice seemed to reveal no delight whatsoever. Fick then handed the telex receiver over to a loud halfwit and the interview was ended prematurely.

Four Association games are scheduled for today and two for tomorrow.

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