Home > 2012-13 Season > Giant Land Kraken Devours Reporter Sheets

Giant Land Kraken Devours Reporter Sheets

January 23, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
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File photo

A giant land kraken has devoured Pondicherry Association News reporter Enceladus Sheets. The journalist was 54.

“It was horrible,” said witness Pete Purvis of Eastern Lankville. “It was an atrocious squid-like creature, extraordinarily mobile and it appeared suddenly from the depths of some mad hell that no sane creator could even begin to conjure. It devoured Enceladus instantly.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear of the loss of this bus, it’s a great tragedy,” said Oversions owner John Barlow, who was yachting. “It was carpeted. It had depressions in the arms for soft drinks. It was first class all the way.”

When informed that it was a journalist that perished and not a bus, Barlow commented, “There are different viewpoints to be hashed out. We will see who wins in the end.”

Sheets was a Senior Staff Writer for the News and had covered Lankville hockey since 1982.

“I had some good light lunches with Enceladus,” said fellow reporter Marles Cundiff. “We always assumed that our demise would come from getting shot. Never did we think of a land kraken.”

“He was a good man though he had a lot of very dark, evil secrets,” said Sheets’ wife Lucy, who was judged to have below average tits and an unflattering ass. “Sometimes, when I sat across the table from Enceladus, I thought that I was looking right into the orifice of utter madness.”

A small service for Sheets was planned, moved to a different date and then forgotten.

Categories: 2012-13 Season Tags: ,
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