Home > 2012-13 Season > Grump with Gump: A Letters Column

Grump with Gump: A Letters Column

January 29, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer
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File photo

The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present a new letters column “Grump with Gump”.  Send missives to: Area 14 (Desert), Outer Lankville, 1271.

Dear Gump,

Motherfuck this brown bitch of a desert, the wide asshole.

Fingers Rolly, Outer Lankville

Dear Fingers,

You need to relax.  The desert can be a place of great beauty, what with all those weeds and cacti.  Embrace it.  It’s also a great place to dispose of firearms.

Gump

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Dear Gump,

I like the new Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena but find that there is poor air circulation in the upper deck.  It wasn’t covered much in the press, but several people have suffocated.  Others wander for long periods before returning home.  What can be done?

Pete Fountains, Eastern Lankville

Dear Pete,

My advice is to forget about your troubles.  Put on a nice suit, waltz on out to some nightclub, maybe buy a few guns.  There are no ills that cannot be cured by pampering yourself a bit.

Gump

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Dear Gump,

I am living in a constant state of pure fear and anxiety that is utterly crushing my soul.  I have nothing left to offer anyone and everyone ignores me.  Even my previously vigorous onanistic sessions are now devoid of joy.  What can be done?

Buddy Dannon, Beach Area

Mr. Tibbs forgot to answer Mr. Dannon’s letter.

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