An Interview with Chris Vitiello
By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent
File photo
Lance Pepsid recently had a chance to catch up with 24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello. The interview was held in someone’s yard.
CV: I see they’ve sent you again, Mr. Pepsid. Baffling, really.
LP: Well, today I’m prepared with some hockey questions. Now…
Suddenly, a gigantic hot-air balloon appeared over the horizon. The balloon was bobbing furiously as though possessed by some sort of unearthly wind. It seemed to be heading straight for Mr. Pepsid and Mr. Vitiello.
LP: Let’s switch gears. What do you make of this approaching balloon?
CV: I have never seen anything like it. It is absolutely astonishing and, yet, profane. It turns the stomach the way it is being tossed about by the wind. I notice too that it appears unmanned.
LP: Do you think it will crash?
CV: Most certainly. It’s also on fire. It will explode momentarily.
As predicted, the balloon suddenly erupted in flames. Its descent accelerated.
LP: Now that the balloon is drawing closer, I believe I see someone or something in the basket.
CV: Yes. It is a loathsome, scaly creature, absolutely abominable. It’s a horror from the heavens.
LP: Do you think it will kill us?
CV: If we do not move from these delightfully comfortable plastic outdoor chairs, then yes, it will.
LP: So there is a swiftly-moving, burning balloon, being piloted by a nightmarish creation headed straight towards us.
CV: It draws even closer now. I noticed that the owner [of the house] has used a chemical on the grass to make it greener.
LP: There’s a little grill over there and some charcoal.
CV(nodding): Yes…I…
Pepsid and Vitiello suddenly fell asleep in their chairs and the interview was ended prematurely as the balloon continued its descent.
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LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
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CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
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When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
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Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
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FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
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HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
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HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
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LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
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Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
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Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
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The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
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Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
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TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
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VACATION PACKAGES!
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8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
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