Horrible Pig Monster Family Disturbs Fans at Stamps Contest
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A family of horrible pig monsters disturbed fans last night in a league contest between the Stamps and the Small Pizzas on Hoover Island.
Sources are confirming that the pig monsters purchased their tickets and sat quietly in the upper deck but that their mere presence caused many of the 54 fans in attendance to leave by the second period.
“I just felt that I couldn’t be in the same building as a horrible family of pig monsters,” said Stamps fan Earl Cron of Northern Hoover Island. “I just kept watching them out of the corner of my eye to see what they would do. At any moment, I anticipated pig chaos. I couldn’t concentrate on the game.”
Cron, who is a traditional Hoover Island nudist, was later accidentally lanced.
“It was felt we could not evict the family,” stated Stamps owner and island monarch Aaron Tucker. “They paid legally and were among the most well-behaved of the extremely paltry, pathetic crowd that we had in attendance last night. We held a brief quorum and made the decision despite their odious presence.”
The father of the horrible pig family was later interviewed.
“We came to show our support for hockey on Hoover Island,” said the swine, who was drooling in an utterly repellent fashion. “I think you’re really starting to see the effect that hockey is having here and, you know, I feel like that’s something to be proud of.”
The beast then wandered into the gift shop and purchased some hats and cotton candy.
The Stamps are currently exploring options on what to do if the family attempts to attend further games.
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The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
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